Arnie Brought In to Steady Ship; Baker Out

By: T. Ryan

Cubs fans can breathe a sigh of relief as they finally got their wish. Highly paid manager Dusty Baker has been fired as top brass inked former actor Arnie Grape to a gawdy 10-year deal that has execs for the Royals and Pirates reeling. The three teams had been involved in a negotiation war that ended when Grape was offered to sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' at a recent and quite memorable 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field.

"They got our guy, they freakin' got our guy," muttered reps from both KC and Pittsburgh during a joint conference call (presumably to cut team costs).

New Cubs GM, Arnie, makes victorious climb up local watertower during his electric press conference Sunday.

A very eager Grape was introduced to the media Wednesday along with thousands of diehard fans who surrounded the water tower where the press conference was held. "Heyyyy! Heyyy! Hi! I'm up here, I'm not comin' down!" Grape exclaimed as they screamed for more. "My shoe done fell off, my shoe done fell off," he finished before the raucous crowd broke out into a vibrant cheer of 'Arnie!, Arnie!' forcing the team to shut down the event prematurely.

"I'm just psyched we finally have Arnie," said Tom Weingartner, a 19 year old wearing a shirt with Arnie's face on it. "The parade is coming to the North side where it belongs. Everyone will be coming to Arnie's party."

Grape, now 23, becomes the youngest manager in the game and the first with absolutely no baseball background or experience.