Piazza Not Gelling With Italian National Team

Reporting by: M. Noonan

NAPLES, ITALY (Italian Press) - Mike Piazza, the Pennsylvania-born New York Mets catcher who decided to play for the Italian National team in this year's World Games, admitted on Friday that he is not gelling with his new team.

"It's funny that you say 'gelling' because I don't use gel at all," Piazza said. "I only use Pert Plus on my hair. But these guys, yeah they use gel, but heck, I don't even know if they wash," he said, pointing in the direction of Fabrizio Milano, who was sipping an espresso at first base.

The lack of cohesiveness between Piazza and the rest of the squad was apparent in the team's first exhibition play this week against neighboring Vatican City. The jovial Italian squad took the field first, smoking rolled cigarettes and patting each other on the behind in a carefree manner.

It was an ugly scene from the get go as nearly every ball hit by Vatican City went past the Italian defenders, who seemed preoccupied with whistling at the female spectators.

"I swear there was a woman with two noses and a hairlip in the stands along the third baseline," Piazza said. "But because she was blonde and had a vagina, Paolo yelled 'Que bella' and threw her a kiss, right before one of the Pope's handlers ripped a shot passed him."

Things didn't get any better at the plate after the Italians somehow managed to get out of the first inning. Leadoff hitter Antonio Fidanza argued every strike called against him, berating the umpire even before the third strike hit the catcher's mitt.

"Ah go fucka you momma's toilet!" Fidanza screamed. "Youza piece a shit assman. I pissa on your great-grandmomma's grave."

Piazza's frustration with his new team was no more apparent than in the third inning when Vatican had a man on second with one out, and Piazza signaled for an intentional walk against Vat City's big hitter, Pius Godswing. Pitcher Fabian Moretti threw a strike right down the plate, which Godswing rocketed over the left field fence.

"When I called Moretti on it, he put out his cigarette and said he pitches out to nobody," Piazza said. "Talking about how he's the man of the house, how he has kids watching, and that he knows out to throw a 'spicy meatball.'"

Piazza then put his head down and stroked his new goatee, shaking his head.

"I don't know what I was thinking with this team," he said. "I don't think these guys have ever seen a real game played. I mean, Fabrizio tried to steal third the other day on his Vespa."