HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - With the 2007 MLB season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual MLB Preview, Hernia style.
American League:
Central
Kansas City Royals
The reason the Royals have decided not to field a 1st baseman in 2007.
The Royals signed their first free agent in franchise history this off-season by unloading their revenue sharing money on Hall of Fame lock, Gil Meche. The sure handed ace comes into Royals camp coming off an eyepopping 11-8 record last season which has the younger, future losers on the team, gushing with envy. With 52-year old Reggie Sanders flashing the leather in various outfield duty, expect an awkward, "looked like he got shot with a rifle" type diving catch to end his crappy season prematurely.
Good news: The Royals team page remains on MLB.com. Even better, management has expressed interest in breaking their 100 losses per season streak.
Bad news: Team has remained firm on their bold strategy to not field a 1st baseman for the entire season. Even worse, the rabid Royal fanbase refuses to forgive management for letting free agent catcher Paul Bako get away.
Detroit Tigers
Feisty Manager Jim Leyland returns with the same team that won the ALCS, but more importantly has announced he will continue to do his hilarious, duck-like walk to the mound. Anchored by psychotic leaders in amphetamine-fueled Kenny Rogers and lesbian catcher Pudge Rodriguez, the team welcomed legally insane Gary Sheffield with open arms.
Good news: Sheffield safely arrived to camp with all seven of his personalities. Even better, Kenny Rogers left hand still has that shit stain on it.
Bad news: Jim Leyland is still chewing the same tobacco he was chewing in Game 5 of the World Series. Even worse, Joel Zumaya's problematic burrito gas in the bullpen now has frightening company in Jose Mesa.
Cleveland Indians
Roger Dorn has been a magical breath of fresh at Indians camp.
With the core of Cleveland's roster set to return, including all 5 starting pitchers and the addition of God's co-pilot and best friend Trot Nixon, the Indians surely seemed destined.... for something. If nothing else, Trot Nixon's horse-mane hair has never looked better.
Good news: With Keith Foulke retiring, fans need not to worry as they still have journeyman Roberto Hernandez to viciously abuse for the entire season. Even better, retired Indian legend Roger Dorn has been a delight at camp so far working with Andy Marte at 3rd base.
Bad news: Cliff Lee could be headed to the DL with a strained oblique that continues to linger from an atomic splash suffered at the hands of departed closer Bob Wickman. Even worse, C.C. Sabathia's request to wear a hat with no brim and a jersey with a "half-eaten" look was denied by the commissioner's office.
Minnesota Twins
Sidney Ponson could have a huge impact on Minnesota nightlife.
Following a disappointing ALDs last year in which they got dick-smacked by Frank Thomas, the Twins and their wacky, free spending owner went out and signed Ramon Ortiz and reliable workhorse Sidney Ponson. Don't expect to see any retarded homer hankys in October this year.
Good news: See bad news.
Bad news: After receiving $21 million in revenue sharing, management sprung for new towels in the locker room.
Chicago White Sox
After an overhaul on the pitching staff and the noticeable absence of Neil Cotts' ridiculous sideburns, look for the team to lean on Mark Buehrle to grow a beard covering his entire face, striking a bizarre resemblance to an Owl and similar to the stuff you've seen on Maurey Povich. With so many new faces and big shoes to fill, expect a hilarious, hate-filled Guillen rant on YouTube by June 1st.
Good news: Ozzie Guillen and Tim Hardaway recently had an amazing dinner together. Even better, Paul Konerko and Jim Thome have installed a kegerator at 1st base.
Bad news: The average weight of a female fan at a White Sox home game remains 263lbs. Even worse, catcher A.J. Pierzynski hasn't left baseball to pursue a full-time wrestling career with TNA.
American League:
West
Oakland A’s
Billy Beane continues to make saebermetric guru’s scratch their collective eggheads with the Mike ‘tranny in training’ Piazza signing and last year’s Esteban “I cant drive 105” Loiaza deal.
Good news: Piazza seeing the ball better after most recent eye/face lift. Even better, everyone in the starting line-up has their own personal beard barber.
Bad news: Nick Swisher’s girlfriend Danielle Gamba is keeping him on a short leash – literally. Apparently she makes Ana Benson look like Maya Angelou. Even worse, Mike Piazza has yet to find a West Coast weatherman that suits his taste.
Seattle Mariners
Outside of Ichiro not having a Matsui size pornography collection, and a lights out closer with the last name of Putz, what can we say about this team? Holy crap… there is a Weaver involved!
Good news: Jeff Weaver is totally stoked to have two Japanese teammates, as he is hoping they will help him find the best rub and tug joint in the Seattle metro area.
Bad news: Jeff Weaver has been eager to show Japanese Catcher Kenji Johima the American meaning of 4:20 in his custom detailed cruising van after day games.
Anaheim Angels
Bartolo Colon slowly morphs into Jon Favreau shortly after eating him.
Let’s start with the halos’ rotation – workout STUDD Bartolo Colon decided against off-season shoulder surgery and elected for strengthening exercises – savvy. Jared Weaver spent the off-season building backyard rockets and drinking Everclear and Jolt in suburban San Jose, thus ignoring the team ordered off-season strength exercises for his tired arm.
Good news: New high priced FA outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. has NOT been implicated as a possible father of Ana Nicole Smiths kid. Even better, ever-growing veteran Bartolo Colon's attempt at a Howie Kendrick-Orlando Cabrera fajita was thankfully stopped by an alert Vlad Guerrero.
Bad news: Chone Figgins hasn't been able to shake his new Hollywood ego after his groundbreaking performance in the Wayan's brothers bomb, Little Man. Even worse, milk-bone chewing pitcher John Lackey continues to channel Scooby-Do.
Texas Rangers
Truly the least interesting team in baseball. They probably needed to get Sammy Sosa into the fold for spring training or risk losing front-page stories to the men’s field hockey word championships.
Good news: It seemed that Tom Hicks was mercifully removed from Scott Boras’ ass… then Eric Gagne goes and becomes available.
Bad news: Actual headline on CNNSI.com ‘Sosa’s possible revival key for Texas’. Even worse, expect George Bush to be back in the front office by June.
American League:
East
Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles are the pride of Baltimore, one of the Eastern Seaboards finest cities and the former murder capital if the USA! After an impressive fourth place last year, Oriole fans should be at ease knowing that Kevin Millar stuck an actual Cowboy Up his ass and will be wearing Tom Cruise’s Aviator Jacket from Top Gun as a head band. But not all is lost in Baltimore, Tejada is off the ‘roids and will continue to put up more subpar power numbers. In other news, Cal Ripken was spotted tying a sturdy noose when he first read the projected starting lineup.
Good news: Kris Benson is out for the year with a partially torn rotator cuff, which puts Anna Benson in line for a partially torn vagina courtesy of the Orioles bullpen and Brian Roberts.
Bad news: Camden Yards has instituted a “no white trash allowed in the stadium” rule so expect Tampa Bay to have higher attendance this year.
Boston Red Sox
After missing the playoffs two years after their historic World Series win, the Red Sox are looking to regroup and make another strong run at second place in the division and pray for a wild card. With the signing of Japan, they are primed and ready to compete in the World Baseball Classic next year. The best news so far out of camp is that Curt Schilling has retired his bloody sock and replaced it with a bloody tampon. No word yet on whose it is, but early reports point to Josh Beckett.
Good news: J.D. Drew is expected to make it through Spring Training injury free.
Bad news: David “Big Papi” Ortiz has decided to replace his bat this year with an over sized Snickers bar.
New York Yankees
The Bronx Zoo is a little tamer this year without roid-head/self-proclaimed scariest hitter in baseball Gary Sheffield, who is proving how much he is over the Yankees by constantly talking about them this spring. However, Gay-Rod is still patrolling third base and NYC nightclubs shirtless. After an embarrassing exit to the Tigers last year, the Yankees look to fire back with the signing of a sub-par Japanese starter and old fan favorite Andy Pettitte. Rumor has it they are looking into adding another bat, the latest front runner is Chewbacca who has been tearing up the Hoth System minor leagues.
Good news: George Steinbrenner’s sunglasses are starring in the latest CSI: Tampa Bay.
Bad news: Torre is not expected to coddle Wang now that he's fully developed his unusual curve.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The devil rays, lowercase on purpose, are looking down the barrel of a gun and waiting for someone to pull the trigger and put an end to this god for saken franchise. They have retooled their lineup just enough to get trampled by the rest of the division, but hope to finish 30 games out of first place. With the departure of Lou Pinella, the signing of an actual Devil Ray to patrol center field, and the Wonder Twins Zan and Jan expected to come out of the bullpen, this franchise is well on their way to being the worst is sports history. Carl Crawford and Scott Kazmir couldn’t be happier to be playing in the worst stadium since the Vet and surrounded by a Double-A team.
Good news: They have enough bodies to fill a Major League Roster.
Bad news: There will be more people in the two dugouts than in the stands all year.
Toronto Blue Jays
The team from America Jr. finished in second place last year for the first time in well, forever, however, unless they want to play with the big boys, they really need to bring more to the table than free health care and legalized marijuana. The Jays do have a above average rotation, a solid lineup, and a closer with a mullet. Whether that will translate into wins is another thing.
Good news: Former DH Ed Sprague has expressed interest in buying season tickets. Even better, Paul Molitor recently admitted that he played a few seasons in Toronto.
Bad news: An entire nation will be resting it’s baseball hopes on one team, which means tons of pressure from all 11 French baseball fans in Canada.
