HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - With the 2007 MLB season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual MLB Preview, Hernia style.
National League:
East
Paul Lo Duca intimidating with his waxed eyebrows
New York Mets
With “Cocoon” extras Julio Franco, Tom Glavine, Moises Alou, Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, Sandy Alomar Jr., Ruben Sierra and Rod Carew filling out the squad, the Mets wisely moved their Spring Training to Del Boca Vista and scheduled more day games this year, letting their players catch more early bird dinner specials.
In other news, Shawn Green’s new chinstrap should prevent his helmet from falling off on the basepaths. Team brass knew they had to do something when the updraft from his ears nearly sent his sombrero-helmet into orbit last year on Shea Stadium’s “Mexican Day”.
Good news: The Mets will have an edge this year as they plan to hide three extra bench players in Carlos Delgado’s gigantic oversized uniform. Even better, suave yet villainous looking 2nd baseman Jose Valentin has agreed to become the lead spokesman for Colt 45 and Camel cigarettes.
Bad news: Paul LoDuca has really taken David Wright under his wing. Expect the young 3rd baseman to have freaky waxed eyebrows, a severe gambling problem and 136 teenage mistresses scattered throughout the country by mid-season.
Florida Marlins
Joe Girardi took a team full of rookies and amazingly kept them in the playoff hunt all last year earning him Coach of the Year honors. So naturally, longtime assbag team owner, Jeffrey Loria, fired him. The lesson here: kill yourself if you’re on the Marlins.
Good news: Dontrelle Willis has refined his delivery to look even more like Elaine dancing on “Seinfeld”.
Bad news: Turns out Dontrelle has a totally normal looking delivery, but he’s just drunk all the time.
Washington Nationals
The Nationals are set to split their home games between the RFK, USAir Arena, the White House lawn, the Reflecting Pool, Puerto Rico and Guam this year. Pitcher John Patterson is considered the team ‘ace’ and rock of the rotation with everyone after that a question mark. It should be noted this ‘rock’ has average about 80 innings a year for his career. Promising stuff.
Good news: Nick Johnson’s new WD-40 greased helmet only got caught on his gigantic head 14 times last year, down from 52 the year before, making many plane trips much more comfortable for the Nats first baseman.
Bad news: The Nats have been scouting strong-armed peanut vendors in Spring Training as possible starters in the rotation. Even worse, 63-year old hot dog vendor Barney Coopersmith has been hired to run the team's farm system.
Atlanta Braves
The Braves boast a 34-year old man who still wants to be called “Chipper”, a fan base that can’t even sell out a playoff game, and to top it off, one of the stupidest crowd chant ever. Let’s hope actual Native Americans invade the stadium one day and slice these people’s arms off in mid-chop.
Good news: Team brass is optimistic after hitting coach Terry Pendleton explained to Jeff Francoeur that he is not legally required to swing at every pitch this year.
Bad news: TBS will continue to broadcast Braves games nationally despite a public outcry for more re-runs of Saved By the Bell: The College Years and Small Wonder. Even worse, don't be the least bit surprised to see Bobby Cox wearing boxers and openly drinking scotch in the dugout this year.
Philadelphia Phillies
With MLB going through a major HR drought, the Phillies shrewdly built a new stadium with the exact same dimensions as the Williamsport Little League World Series field. With the right field wall measuring at a daunting 75 feet, look for Ryan Howard to average 90 HR’s and 250 RBI’s a year for the next decade.
Aaron Rowand has managed not to break his face this Sping, delighting Phillies execs.
Good news: Aaron Rowand has managed to avoid running full speed into flag poles, brick walls, fire hydrants and cactuses in spring training thus far. Even better, notorious boozing coochie connisuer Pat Burrell has been neutered to help shift his focus back to the field.
Bad news: The Philly Phanatic has been suspended for the first 50 games of the season after a steroid sting in a Nevada desert caught him in the act of buying HGH with longtime cronies, the Phoenix Gorilla and the San Diego Chicken.
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National League:
Central
St. Louis Cardinals
The Cards pile in Tony La Drunka’s station wagon and are the favorites to take the Central, if not the World Series again. But with the loss of studface Jason Marquis to the Cubs, the departures of Suppan and Weaver, and Mark “over the shoulder Mulder holder” out until mid-July, La Resta is looking at the tasty possibilities of Anthony Reyes (5.06 ERA), Kip Wells (ERA of 6.50) and freaking Braden Looper as starters. Kip Wells should be on “90210” or “The OC” or be an inline skater or something with that name. Kip?
Good news: Tony La Russa can drink. You don’t even know!!!.
Bad news: David Geekstein is seriously contemplating a career in midget wrestling as The Mini Poet. Even worse, Leaping Lanny Poffo refuses to manage him.
Chicago Cubs
The last time the Cubs won John the Baptist was just growing pubes. Don’t expect $300 million in idiotic off-season deals to bring them to the promise land. Cubs singed Ted Lilly to a bloated deal and hope that Jason Marquis can be a solid No. 3 pitcher. Yes, really. Expect Lilly to give up roughly 35 HRs in Wrigley. Oh hey, his full name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, which is significant because Teddy Roosevelt would have spoken softly and beaten the crap out of Jim Hendry for being an idiot for the past 5 years.
Good news: Mark Prior is not yet hurt. Anyone who cares about that is a moron. Yes, we’re talking to you, 10,000 drunk Cubbie girls.
Bad news: The Cubs’ training staff still uses hot tubs so Kerry Wood could go down any day.
Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers new CGI crowd has team brass giddy.
Prince Fielder and Corey Hart? C’mon, if nothing else the Brewers have to look good with names like that. I picture Prince as this tall drink of water, fielding balls as if her were plucking daisies or girls’ hearts and rounding bases with both speed and grace. Meanwhile, Corey Hart wears shades at all hours of the day AND he is able to pull off sick motocross tricks.
Good news: In an attempt to fool TV viewers, the Brewers hired CGI experts to fill the seats with virtual fans from Ninitendo's "Bases Loaded 3" game.
Bad news: Team set to replace bats with brats by Memorial Day. Coincidentally, this will be the first game Cecil Fielder plans to attend.
Houston Astros
Randy Johnson is giddy to be back in Arizona despite his request for Big Johnson t-shirt uniforms being denied.
Someone make this team go away. They are just highly annoying playing in their Legoland Park, formerly named after the worst company in U.S. history, next to whatever company made Jarts. I guess Biggio is a nice elderly fellow. But if Clemens comes back again the league needs to step in and send a Hummer to his dinner table.
Good news: Carlos Lee rumored to enter every home game on a horse with Van Halen’s “Panama” blaring from the PA system.
Bad news: The top-of-the-ninth "Lights Out Lidge" sound and light show is currently powered by two hamsters. Even worse, those hamsters look like Ken Rosenthal.
Pittsburgh Pirates
On paper, the Pirates’ bats should get better this year with Dirty Sanchez and Adam LaRoche, but unfortunately, they play in Pittsburgh. Even their sandwiches look better on paper. You know things are dismal when the last news of note coming out of your city was Sienna Miller making fun of it.
Good news: Pittsburgh affiliate, AA Altoona and the Pirates continue their ongoing talks of switching rosters "just for the shit of it". Even better, in an honorable effort to cut costs, the Pirates will fly with the Royals, Devil Rays, and a bunch of roosters when schedule permits.
Bad news: New rule implemented by a drunk intern will have any pitcher who can't make it through 3 full innings walk a plank into Lake Erie as 10 randomly chosen fans get to pelt them with steel baseballs.
Cincinnati Reds
Expect Griffey Jr. and the Cubs’ Prior and Wood to open up their own glass company by May. The Reds are also considering signing Mark Rypien, Allen Houston, Jeff George, Doug Johnson and that kid you grew up with who appeared to be an awesome athlete but was constantly getting injured.
Good news: Adam Dunn will likely hit 50 Hrs, strike out 150 times, and eat 250 burgers this year. Even better, Mickey Tettleton and Rob Deer applaud this.
Bad news: Reports coming out of the Cincinnati music scene say that Bronson Arroyo is entering his sitar stage.
National League:
West
San Francisco Giants
The Giants hilarious line-up sports an average age of 41, so expect a dizzying array of flying limbs, cartiledge, nosehair, and teeth to be an integral and exciting part of any San Francisco Giants game. More importantly, Barry Bonds returns for a curtain call this year sporting a size 13 1/2" baseball cap, beating Kevin Mench's record by a whopping 6 full sizes.
Good news: After the inevitable happens and Bonds breaks Ruth's home run record, he plans to drown himself in McCovey Cove. Even better, no one will care.
Bad news: Benitez still hates ‘fags’ as much as Ozzie Guillen does. Even worse, the "Ask Barry --->" t-shirts are getting gayer by the minute.
Colorado Rockies
Franchise player Todd Helton looks to bounce back from a sub-par season in which he had only 15 hr’s and 81 rbi’s which roughly translates to –7 hr’s and 3 rbi’s in any other park. The Rockies will also be flashing an impressive 5-corpse rotation that includes free agent splash Rodrigo Lopez (9 wins, 18 losses in 2006) and the amazingly in control, Byung-Hyun Kim.
Good news: Scientists think they had a huge breakthrough this off-season in deadening the ball by dipping each one in a bucket of game-used Jason Giambi hair gel.
Bad news: Took Rockies brass 10 years to figure out "Hey, maybe we should develop more sinker-ball pitchers since we play on the moon?"
Los Angeles Dodgers
With the emotional, gut wrenching departure of win-at-all-costs warrior J.D. Drew, its unclear where the Dodgers franchise will turn to for leadership in 2007. While no-frills attached utility injury bug, Nomar Garciaparra sounds like the logical choice, best bets are on Juan God Pierre whose down to earth ego and stable personality seem to be what L.A. desperately needs.
Good news: D-Lowe has listened to his handlers and opened several different cell phone accounts for the various sets of tits he's banging on the side. Even better, Tommy Lasorda has done the same thing.
Bad news: Luis Gonzalez has already set-up his postseason broadcasting schedule. Even worse, pitcher Chin-hui Tsao thinks he's a member of the Yankees.
Arizona Diamondbacks
The D’Backs sadly ended their contract with Horrible Design Inc. and took the purple and teal out of their team colors, leaving the SportsHernia with much less material to work with here. Look for the Mets to make a late appeal and acquire these cast-off colors for their already hideous threads.
Good news: Starting pitcher and teradactyl Randy Johnson returns to the comfy confines of his old bird nest high aloft in the Chase Field retractable roof.
Bad news: The D’Backs boast an awesome array of prospects. Unfortunately, so have the Devil Rays for the past 10 years.
San Diego Padres
The Padres had an emotional year in ’06, with 3 of their players getting lost in the cavernous outfield of Petco Park, never being found again (with the exception of a young Padres prospect whose corpse CF Mike Cameron tripped over during a September game). This year, the Padres have wisely equipped all outfielders with a homing chip and flare guns.
Good news: Electric rods installed in all stadium seats should keep a better percentage of fans awake this year.
Bad news: So should David Wells’ gas.
