NBA Announcers Reviews

By: Hernia Staff

Mike Breen

The obvious inspiration for all black comedians who do an impression of a white guy, Breen is known for having orgasms every time a player takes a charge or delivers a crisp chest pass. The Knicks’ play-by-play man also enjoys chastising players for doing anything spontaneous and constantly assumes he is the authority on what is or is not a good shot.

Interesting Fact: Was born already wearing button up shirt tucked into a pair of Docker’s.

Signature Call: “Not a good shot by (insert name of any player under 30 here)”

Famous Quote: “I wish more players today wore their shorts like John Stockton”

Ideal Partner: Jesse ‘the Body’ Ventura

Grade: C-

Gus Johnson

Known for having Starbucks cappuccinos IV’d into his body during games, the ultra-frisky Johnson is actually quite enjoyable – when taking massive amounts of barbiturates.

Interesting Fact: Once shattered the eardrums of three producers by screaming into his mic while witnessing an exciting tip-off.

Signature Call: “YYEEAEHHHEEEHHHAAAA!!! OHHH HAAAA HAAAAAA!!!”

Famous Quote: “YEEEES!!! YYEEAEHHHEEEHHHAAAA!!! OHHH HAAAA HAAAAAA!!!”

Ideal Partner: Chewbacca, Brent Musberger

Grade: B+

Doug Collins

The first announcer to go an entire game without taking a breath, Doug distinguishes himself by talking to the audience like they are 3-year-olds who have never seen a basketball game before.

Interesting Fact: Collins thinks he gets paid by the word.

Signature Call: “Now I’ll tell ya, when I coached Michael...”

Famous Quote: “What a great little dunk shot”

Ideal Partner: Jeffrey Jordan, Ace Ventura’s talking ass cheeks

Grade: F

Bill Walton

Known for acid-induced flashbacks that make for brilliant improvisational thoughts/dreams on basketball and life, Walton is also known for being brutally honest. His unfiltered comments create an audio feast for the viewer, as opposed to the rehearsed, cliché garbage we’re so used to hearing.

Signature Call: “Good lord, I... am... high...”

Famous Quotes:

• “If you’ve never been on Magic Mountain at DisneyWorld, stop what you’re doing and leave now. It will improve the quality of your life immeasurably”
• “Look at David Robinson, he’s an Adonis”
• “He’ll never do what Biiiiiird did”
• “Anytime Michael Olowakandi is acquired by a team, disaster is sure to follow”

Ideal Partner: Jerry Garcia/Peter Gammons/Yoda

Grade: A

Hubie Brown

The former Playgirl model-turned-coaching genius-turned- announcer has been dazzling us with his knowledge and hair for years now. Going from the perm, to the Caesar, to the mohawk, to the faux-hawk, back to the Caesar, Hubie has strangely inspired others such as Dick Versace and Mike Fratello to follow his unique hair patterns. The master of speaking in the 5th person, Brown can make a simple pick set by Anthony Mason turn into a work of art.

Interesting Fact: At times longwinded, he once described Bill Cartwright’s sharp elbows for 1 1/2 quarters.

Signature Call: “You cannot leave (insert ANY guard or small forward) alone on the baseline. He is one of the premiere three-point shooters in the game..."

Famous Quote: “Now I want you to look at (PLAYER NAME). (PLAYER NAME) is going to be working the perimeter. If you’re (PLAYER NAME), you have got to...”

Ideal Partner: Barbaro

Grade: B+

Marv Albert

The greatest announcer since Jesse “the Body” Ventura. So good he can almost make Nets games watchable and Continental Airlines Arena not feel like a 20,000 seat morgue. Was disgracefully discarded by Knicks’ franchise owner/destroyer James Dolan for outlandish acts like calling Knicks games with honesty and asking for a raise after 30+ years with the team. Even if he demanded a Knicks City Dancer sit on his face for all home games, he should still, and always be the voice of the Garden.

Interesting Fact: Received no money for promoting hair weaves in his famous “60 Minutes” interview

Signature Call: “PERHAPS!!”

Famous Quote(s): “We are now in... extensive, garbage time”, “...with the FACIAL!!!”

Ideal Partner: Anyone, he’d make a dead guy interesting.

Grade: A+

Dick Stockton

Affectionately known as “Smoke Hair” and “the Crypt Keeper” by adoring fans, Dick’s timeless trademark voice routinely lands him gigs in multiple sports. Not as popular since the HDTV boom, Stockton still provides an inspired effort and well-called games but continues to baffle viewers with his bizarre hair that literally looks like the top of a giant chimney stack.

Interesting Fact: Was a 4-time Thai-boxing champion.

Famous Quote: “Boy, that Cheryl Miller’s got a fat ass, huh?

Ideal partner: Bob Uecker, Paul Bearer, the actual Crypt Keeper

Grade: B

Steve Kerr

Despite his 1989 hairdo, Kerr is a rare breed: a former player-turned-announcer that doesn’t annoy the fuck out of the listener by babbling about his career. But sometimes his self-deprecation goes a bit too far – give yourself some credit, lil’ Stevie.

Interesting Fact: Kerr is a notorious ladies man whose nickname is “The Ass Machine”

Ideal Partner: Stuart Smally

Grade: B+

Tom Tolbert

Who is this guy? Where did this shiny bastard come from? We’ve heard him talk about Arizona before, but he wasn’t on the Suns. Is he some sort of comic book villain? We don’t think so, anyway. Regardless, the highlight of his announcing career came during the one of the NBA Celebrity All-Star games, after Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua went missing:

(paraphrasing)

Some Shmuck Announcer: It looks like Paris Hilton’s dog is no longer by her side.

Tolbert: Nicole Richie?

Interesting Fact: Played his last year in the NBA with a mock-turtleneck under his jersey.

Grade: C+

Sideline Reporters:

Craig Sager

The ‘Liberace meets Where's Waldo' lovechild has been blinding players and fans for years with his wild outfits, famously peaking during the ‘95 Finals when Nick Anderson blamed Sager’s strobe-light suit for his 4 consecutive missed free-throws.

Low point: Using an actual live fish for a tie.

Grade: B+

Jim Grey

Son of the Muppet, Sam the Eagle, this uncomfortable assbag has been pissing everyone off since he crapped onto the scene in the 90s. While he’s most famous for shitting his pants while interviewing Mike Tyson, Grey finds time to ruin many NBA games with his unbearable spot interviews.

Grade: D