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Sebastian Telfair Injured In Horrible Tricycle AccidentCeltics bad luck continues
By: T. Ryan CONEY ISLAND, NY - Newly acquired star point guard for the Boston Celtics, Sebastian Telfair, injured himself early Saturday morning while crashing a brand new tricycle into his prized G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier, sending shock-waves throughout the organization. The shaken star described the incident on local radio in horrifying graphic detail. “I was ridin’ it pretty good and I thought I could hop it, ya know, ‘cause the base ain’t that tall. So I went for it and the next thing I know I have three G.I. Joe figures wedged between my toes, the base is broke, and I’m $50 in the hole at Toys R Us. Can’t catch a break, but it wouldn’t be me to say I won’t try and hop it again.” Sources say Telfair may have been a bit ambitious by adding nitrous packs to his tricycle, but he strongly denied those claims while defiantly chugging a Minute Maid juice box. League officials refused to comment on the subject, as this is just the latest in a string of off the court related issues. Most recently, Telfair was removed from his team charter for carrying a loaded Super-Soaker, grenade water balloons, and an undisclosed amount of Fun Dip in his duffle bag. Telfair now joins an elite group that includes Jay Williams, Kellen Winslow Jr., and Ben Roethlisberger; however, he is the first to have worn a Nerf helmet at the time of impact. He is expected to miss 20 minutes of his favorite cartoon, Tom & Jerry. click for permalink to this article Frankie Muniz In Coma After Drawing Charge in NBA Entertainers LeagueBy: M. Noonan (July 2006) LOS ANGELES (AP) -- NBA Entertainment League play ended in tragedy at the Staples Center on Thursday night when TV's Frankie Muniz ended up in a coma after trying to draw a charge against rapper/actor Ice Cube.
Muniz, the 35-year-old star of "Malcolm in the Middle," stepped into the lane as Cube drove full speed toward the goal. Cube ran through Muniz, sending the frail actor flying backward onto the hardwood and instantly shattering his ribs, said teammate Joel Steinberg, who apparently produces some show on the WB. "Poor kid," Steinberg said. "We were even considering him for a guest appearance on 'Veronica Mars.' And now this." Steinberg stood in disbelief with two or fewer other players as Muniz was covered with a white sheet and placed in critical condition by Patrick Dempsey of ABC's "Grey's Anatomy." Cube, on his way to fucking around and getting a triple-double, stood on the sidelines in disbelief as well. "First of all, that ma'fucka was movin,'" Cube said. "I saw him slide his right foot so that shit is a block. Second of all, he shouldn't even be playing basketball. Period. He like 100 pounds - drippin wet with sand in each pocket." No word yet on what, if any, impact this will have on future league play. The NBA Entertainment League, in its fifth year, is popular among rappers, R&B musicians, marginal actors and douchebag producers. click for permalink to this article Dominique Wilkins Sends E-mail to Kelly Tripucka, Reminding Him of Embarassing CareerBy: T. Ryan (July 2006)
ATLANTA, GA (AP) - Golf? Embarrassing charity events? Poor contributions to a broadcasting panel? Not for former NBA all-star Dominique Wilkins. The Human Highlight Reel has become quite the prankster and taken his retirement days into cyberspace. Hernia sources have obtained a copy of an email he sent to Kelly Tripucka last week, with a picture attached showing 'Nique skying over his fellow NBA alum (right). "I logged into my account and figured, here we go, same old thing, twenty-five emails from Ian Eagle, Jeff Ruland, and some bored Notre Dame hoops fans," Tripucka said. "But then I saw 'Nique's name and went right to it. I even called my wife over. Turned out the joke was on me. That picture is just awful. I don't even know where he found it. I hope it's a fake. Accompanying the humorous picture was simply this: "Hey Kelly, remember this one? LOL! Talk to you soon, 'Nique." Now while some may find this to be somewhat odd, it appears to be sparking a new trend. When told of the story, former player Charles Barkley, after he finished laughing, said, "I think it's great. In fact, I can't wait to send out a few myself. I hope Sean Bradley has room in his inbox. And someone get me Frederic Weis' email. I gotta send him that videa of Vince teabagging him at the Olympics." After discovering the joy of prank emails with his retired buddies, "Nique has decided to forego his appearance on the next "Jocks vs. Joes" season and looks like he's finally found his niche. click for permalink to this article NBA Signs Lucrative Deal With Horrible Design Inc.By: Flex Tanningwall (July 2006) New York, NY (AP) – In a somewhat belated announcement, the NBA has officially made public its deal with Horrible Design Inc. to assume lead role as uniform fashionistas for all 30 teams. Russ Granick and his team of PR cronies headed the cheering parade as they welcomed the creative team from HDI led by consultants Craig Sager, dressed in a paint-ball splatted suit, Stevie Wonder, wearing one of his usual tapestry-with-a-hole-cut-in-it ensembles, and Yahoo Serious, who was naked.
“Who wants that traditional stenciled lettering when you can have a starburst feast?” proclaimed a very weary eyed and fatigued looking Sager. “Who wants traditional tear off warm-ups when you can wear a silk Kimono? Who wants colors that complement each other when you can have ketchup and mustard like Cleveland? It’s not about complementing colors as much as it’s about condiments,” he finished before being cut from the podium and sent back to his hotel. Fighting off uproarious laughter in the press room, the always suave Granick attempted damage control by abruptly ending the press conference with this gem. “Not many teams can be proud to throw on their jersey anymore and we can thank HDI for catapulting this revolution. Or something like that. Thank you.” So forget the days of FloJo (Florence Griffith Joyner) designing your favorite team’s uniform and stay tuned for offensively ugly jerseys to find a happy home in all 30 NBA cities. Notes: Horrible Design Inc.’s colorful client list includes the ’78 Pirates, the ’79 Padres, the ’93 76ers, American Gladiators, Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, champion wrestler Ric Flair, and several professional indoor sports leagues. HDI also introduced the wildly popular Scratch ‘N Sniff jockstrap to MLB in the early 90’s. |
NBA 2006-07 Division PreviewsWestern Conference:Eastern Conference:Basketball ArchivesSebastian Telfair Injured In Horrible Tricycle Accident Sports Guy Accidentally References Time He Humped Bird Cutout Frankie Muniz In Coma After Drawing Charge In NBA Entertainers League Dominique Wilkins Sends E-mail to Kelly Tripucka, Reminding Him of Embarassing Career NBA Signs Lucrative Deal With Horrible Design, Inc.
Sports Guy Accidentally References Time He Humped Bird CutoutBy: M. Noonan LOS ANGELES – In the midst of a highly esoteric rant against the New York Knicks this week in his column on ESPN.com’s Page 2, Bill Simmons accidentally referenced the time he and his friend Sully simultaneously dry humped a Larry Bird cardboard cutout. Simmons, known to his legion of Caucasian fans as The Sports Guy, was attempting to equate Knicks GM Isiah Thomas’s recent front-office moves with a hilarious moment in the SG’s life when the slip-up occurred. “Honestly, the unintentional comedy of Thomas’s moves here is off the charts,” Simmons wrote in the column. “Funnier than the Lakers mascot in the first Double Dribble game. Funnier than that deleted scene in Rocky V you can find on the Criterion Collection DVD where Apollo somehow comes back to life. Every Knicks fan must have the same look of bewilderment on their faces that my mom had when she caught me and Sully dry humping that life-size Larry cutout.” The costly faux pas could have been corrected if Simmons didn’t adhere to a strict policy of running every single thought that enters his head in his ESPN column. He did however express some remorse a few sentences later. “Did I actually write that? This can’t be good for anyone. Sportsgal is going to be horrified and Jimmy’s going to be jealous. I can see it all unfolding now, kind of like when everyone could see how drunk Donna was going to get at the prom in Episode IV, Season V of ‘Beverly Hills 90210.’ click for permalink to this article
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