Blazers Sign bin Laden

By M. Noonan & A. Grady

Not to be outdone, the Blazers sign bin Laden.

In a bold yet unsurprising move, the Portland Trailblazers signed 6-foot 8-inch swingman and Taliban leader, Osama bin Laden. Portland brass was reportedly becoming “downright sick” over the Cincinnati Bengals grabbing all the sports-crime headlines, so they went ahead and pulled the trigger on the world’s most infamous terrorist.

Reeling from the departures of Ruben “Adventures in Babysitting” Patterson and Qyntel Woods, the desperate Blazers called up Chad Ford for assistance. Ford had been traveling across Afghanistan on a camel searching for a 7-foot 9-inch, 12-year-old with a thyroid condition known as Rijabijaianen Bijalonidianajiam (roughly translates to “the Long One”) who, in a lucky coincidence, just so happened to be one of bin Laden’s 436 sons.

“I think we can all agree that this solidifies our organization as the most piece-of-shit franchise in sports history,” President and General Manager Steve Patterson said at a press meeting announcing the signing. “Even though all the tapes we have seen of bin Laden have been choppy and sporadic, two things we are certain of: This towelhead is long and is a tremendous piece of camel dung.”

Team sources said bin Laden’s penchant for firearms and degrading women will help ease his transition into the NBA.