Jazz cremate Ostertag's jersey in bizarre halftime retirement ceremony

By: T. Ryan

You've heard it all before, the Ring of Heroes in Green Bay, Monument Park in the Bronx, jerseys hanging high above in the rafters at MSG, the Ring of Embarrassment at wherever the Arizona Cardinals play, and so on. This past Thursday night, however, the Utah Jazz truly broke ground during a surprisingly edgy ceremony that was supposed to be a well-intended send-off to former Jazz legend and all-century stiff, Greg Ostertag.

With the score knotted at 52 going into the half against Houston, the pale crowd was already on their feet when three of Utah's most awkward interns wheeled out a tree shredder to half-court. The initial reaction was of disappointment after realizing it wasn't free wife night, but the sheer size of the vehicle overtook their emotions as everyone began to applaud and stamp their feet.

"It's time to introduce the man of the hour," said team president and known slob, Larry Miller. "Ladies and gentleman, if I can direct your attention to section 243, row Z, behind the large cement pole, it's double-0, Greeeeg Ooooooostertag."

Normally hard to miss, the unfortunate realities continued for the goofy looking sloth. Along with the cement pole, several obscene Jazz puffy hands obstructed the view, making it nearly impossible to see 'Tag even for people sitting just rows away.

"Ah, who cares if we can't see him," screamed a now clearly intoxicated Miller. "Jimmy, fire up that tree shredder!"

And there it was. With the assistance of all three interns, and a helpful count of '1-2-3' from the crowd, Ostertag's astounding '00' home jersey was heaped into the shredder, sending a fireworks-like fabric spray into every section on the North side of the arena.