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HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - With the 2006 NBA season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual NBA Preview, Hernia style:
Eastern Conference:
Atlantic Division
James Dolan dares Knicks fans to pull his finger.
By J. Hamel
New York Knicks
Google "James Dolan Sucks" and you get 44,200 hits. I Googled my name and sucks and it only got 539 hits. This tells me I am doing something right.
Good news: Renaldo Balkman has a very cool name.
Bad news: Word out of Knicks camp is Eddy Curry is off the Frank Williams Snickers diet and has taken up with nude yoga guru, Felton Spencer.
New Jersey Nets
LFrank gets another shot as HC of the NJNs. Though the team goes into the season with VC in his money year, many beats are predicting a top of the D finish for these ballers. JKidd and RJ are back and ready to man the rock and swingman roles respectively.
The Nets latest marketing gimmick.
Good news: The team signed (but has since waived) Jay Williams the poppin’ wheelie freak, not Jayson Williams the limo driver (and pet rottweiller) murdering super freak.
Bad news: This lame duck franchise can’t get anyone to come to games. The latest gimmick is letting fans hit half court shots for a chance to feel up Joumana Kidd’s funbags.
Boston Celtics
The wishful thinking is that the once proud franchise will find a way to make the playoffs this season. Think about this, take away Paul Pierce - does this team make it to the round of 32 in the NCAAs?
Good news: Another season of sound bites from Delonte West who sounds like he drank an oil can of LSD whenever a mic is put in front of him.
Bad news: Head coach Glen “Doc” Rivers nickname rhymes with Cock – and we all now how crafty hub fans tend to get with their heckling.
Philadelphia 76ers
Kyle Korver HAS to rhyme with STUDD
Despite an off-season of swirling trade rumors, Allen ‘disgruntled gangstah’ the ansah’ is back. How did GM Billy King try and improve the team? First they drafted a ‘some euro dude’ named Thabo. They then traded Thabo for a Carney (draft synopsis: small hands smells like cabbage).
Good news: The team was sold on retaining the services of Allen Iverson after directions to the Sixers practice facility were tattooed on his chest and back.
Bad news: Rick Brunson AND Kevin Ollie, founding members of the ‘HOW-THE-FUCK-ARE-THEY-STILL-IN-THE-NBA’ team, were fighting for minutes at PG this preseason and had Philly fans buzzing. Was father of the 10-day contract Doug Overton not available?
Toronto Raptors
Jose Calderon realizes something stinks in the Great White North.
Rail thin Chris Bosh is doing is best Shareef Abdur-Rahim impression in Toronto. New GM Brian Colangelo has brought his father's Suns blueprint to Toronto by subsequently acquiring a speedy PG entering the prime of his career, to build around. Too bad that speedy point guard is not named Nash and is best known for shooting like a girl and having a surgically fused spinal column.
Good news: Despite Mo Pete's lobbying, new GM Brian Colangelo politely declined a summer league spot to unmitigated draft disaster/fraud/no-talent-assclown Mateen Cleaves.
Bad news: After asking around town about secret 'cock fights', Jose Calderon and Jorge Garbosa ended up at a bar called The Manhole. Bad idea.
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Eastern Conference:
Southeast Division
By A. Grady
Miami Heat
Riley plans to platoon his coaching duties this season with Gordon Gekko.
Pat Riley returned to the bench last year to ruin the game of basketball once again by installing the "Everybody just get the fuck out of the way and let Wade drive to the basket and act as if he was shot by a bazooka" offense. Look for every team in the NBA to try to copy this hideously boring playing style, but only with an infinitely crappier player in Wade’s role.
Good news: Riley will be fresh for the playoffs and maintain a more consistent tan this year by rotating in Gordon Gekko to coach on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Bad news: Jayson Williams has been stripped of his ‘White Chocolate’ nickname and will now go by the more pedestrian ‘Pale Ovaltine’.
Washington Wizards
Darius Some Guy, Eh.
The Wizards appear poised to be this decade’s version of the 80’s-90’s Cleveland Cavs, losing in the second round of the playoffs every year to either Dwayne Wade or LeBron James. Feel free to throw-up on your keyboard here if you are a Washington fan.
Good news: Eddie Jordan brought in longtime Washington Generals defensive guru Herbert Shenkel to shore up the sagging D.
Bad news: Wizards gave their full midlevel exception to Darius Songaila (more commonly known around the league as ‘Some Guy, Eh”), filling a glaring need for a big, white, cap-killing stiff.
Charlotte Bobcats
Rumor has it, Morrison will leave the Bobcats for rock group, Kings of Leon, by mid-season.
Michael Jordan brings his savvy drafting eye and keen ability to get the most out of his players through the amazing power of positive re-enforcement to the upstart Bobcats. Look for 1st round draft pick Adam Morrison to lose 30 pounds in sheer tears and leave the team by midseason to join rock group, Kings of Leon.
Good news: The Bobcats are right at the threshold for the league’s minimum salary requirement, therefore enabling them to panic and overpay for crappy free agents in the upcoming off-seasons after realizing all the good players have already re-upped.
Bad news: Chipmunk-cheeked fatty Sean May will complete his transformation into Clarence Weatherspoon around the spring of 2008.
Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks were one of the teams to pass on uber-STUDD point guard Chris Paul in the draft 2 years ago, opting instead for Chud Ford mancrush, SF Marvin Williams. No one could’ve predicted the underwhelming performance of Williams, unless you took into account the fact that he didn’t start in college and his vertical leap at the combine was only 2” higher than cement-footed honky center Andrew Bogut.
Good news: While the Hawks have become the standard in sucking royal ass, it does help the city of Atlanta avoid the humiliation of not selling out yet another professional sports playoff game and exposing it as a complete farce.
Bad news: Sources say rookie PF Sheldon Williams has been mulling over an offer of a lifetime role on Star Trek Voyager. Even worse, the Hawks will be required by law to change their name to the ‘Atlanta Who Gives a Crap’ if they don’t break the 20 win barrier this season.
Orlando Magic
Last season's acquisition, Darko Milicic vants to suck your blood.
With names like Keyon, Hedo, Darko and Jameer, the Magic sound more like a Star Wars bar intramural team than an NBA line-up, yet things remain optimistic in Orlando with franchise man-beast Dwight Howard, who became the youngest player in the NBA to give a crap in quite some time. Meanwhile, JJ Reddick’s DUI charge before the season raised some concerns, but police actually helped JJ prepare for not being able to drive in the NBA.
Good news: League officials have eased up on their dress code and will let Darko Milicic wear his Dracula cape during games this year.
Bad news: Poor Grant Hill will likely miss the majority of the season due to injuries again. He may be able to find some solace in collecting the last 17 million dollars on his contract, banging his ridiculously hot wife or sailing the Caribbean on his yacht… just maybe.
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Eastern Conference:
Central Division
By A. Grady
Chicago Bulls
Ben Wallace serenading Bulls with "Fee Tines a Mady" [click for video]
The Bulls inked cantankerous center Ben Wallace to a 60-million dollar deal for his defense and intensity, but few know what a soothing affect his impromptu a cappella versions of “Wookin’ Pa Nub” and “Fee Tines a Mady” can have on a team in the locker room.
Good news: Andres Nocioni turned down offers from Ultimate Fighting, the WWE and BumFights.com to return for another year with the Bulls.
Bad news: Michael “Sweet Rolls” Sweetney was caught trying to eat a napping Chris Duhon on a recent team flight.
Indiana Pacers
An eager Rick Carlisle seen here arriving at Pacers' Training Camp.
Coach Lloyd Christmas and the champagne swillin', thong snapping, Uzi blasting, lovable bunch from Indy appear to be as focused as ever this season now that Stephen Jackson has finally been given league approval to play with a remote 'dog training shock collar' as well as encouraged access to free Valium. And you thought Utah ran a tight ship.
Good news: Pacers got some much needed salary cap relief when athletic swingman, and longtime crazy person, Stephen Jackson agreed to take half his salary in Flashcash (a recognized currency only in Flashdancers Gentlemen’s clubs).
Bad news: Notorious transvestite thug and locker room cancer Jeff Foster returns.
Cleveland Cavs
James' Papa Smurf bearded look soon to sweep the nation.
Papa Smurf bearded NBA cornerstone LeBron James continued to exude a calm, confident aura in crunchtime last year by chewing on his nails like a squirrel hacking on a nut. Meanwhile, Zydrunas Ilgauskas continues to deny any relation to Zangief from StreetFighter 2.
Good news: Cavs fans are giddy after LeBron James spent the entire off-season saying he wants to be the ‘richest man on earth’, and what better market to maximize his earning potential than Cleveland, Ohio?
Bad news: James’ pulled back headband look seems to be the next retarded trend to sweep the NBA and your local middle school.
Milwaukee Bucks
The youth movement taking place in Milwaukee features eyebrow-less wonder Charlie Villenueva, who they hope adds a presence to the frontline and more importantly fills the much needed 'alien void' that has been missing since Sam Cassell was transported after the 2002 season. Newcomers Steve Blake and Lynn Greer are expected to contribute absolutely nothing aside from logging the most designated driver minutes in the Midwest.
Good news: The Bucks continue to look incredibly macho in their purple and green uniforms.
Bad news: Longtime pretty boy Toni Kukoc called it a career in the off-season, surely depriving Bucks players of some primo eastern-European groupie ass.
Detroit Pistons
The Pistons investment Rip Hamilton Replica Facemasks was a big disaster.
The Pistons lost the heart and soul of their team, Ben Wallace, to free agency, traded away the suddenly promising Donnie Darko Milicic for a bag of Funyons and a snack to be named later, threw their new coach under a bus after a playoff collapse, watched their sharp-shooting hedgehog Chauncey Billups miss his first big 3-pointer in 2 years and overpaid for back-up center Nazr Mohammed. Other than that, it’s been a tremendous 8 months or so for the Pistons.
Good news: After declining a role as head villain in the next Batman film, hulking small forward Tayshaun Prince added eating to his off-season workout routine and gained over 7 ounces of muscle.
Bad news: Pistons lost millions on the production of the ill-fated Richard Hamilton replica facemasks, which failed to sell the way marketing guru Rod Fleshpants promised (it should be noted, Fleshpants was also responsible for the Pistons ‘flaming horse engine’, turquoise, red, yellow, silver and brown uniform disaster of the late 90’s).
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Western Conference:
Southwest Division
By T. Ryan
Memphis Grizzlies
We really miss the perm Mike. Let's hope Elaine Benes doesn't rip that thing off.
Coach Mike Fratello leads the mighty Grizz’ as they hope to once again barely reach the playoffs and then get swept in the 1st round so Pau Gasol can rest up for the summer games and kick the crap out of the U.S. team. The only major change within the structure of the organization is that new owners Christian Laettner and Brian Davis have instituted a new rule making it mandatory to cry after each win or loss that is within a margin of 3 points or less.
Good news: With Damon Stoudamire on the roster and the departure of student council president Shane Battier, this team will be happily smoking some amazingly good weed. Even better, Mike Fratello’s patented caeser toupee has been versioned into three different colors, with the ‘Grizzly sky blue’ expected to be worn for all home games.
Bad news: If the small village of people living in Pau Gasol’s beard decide to move forward with rumored plans of a walkout, look for chaos and team dissention within the Grizzlies locker room. Worse, rookie Rudy Gay, already under heavy criticism from basically everyone, took a shot from team president Jerry West who said "Gay is a like a ballerina out there." (actual quote).
Houston Rockets
The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes.
Houston starts off with a fresh look this season through the additions of the ridiculously unhappy Bonzi Wells and the annoyingly happy Shane Battier. With the imposing presence of Jeff Van Gundy and that potent offense, expect Yao Ming to be the first center in NBA history to fall asleep during a game and for Dikembe Mutombo to be laughing hysterically on the bench.
Good news: The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes. Even better news, Mutombo, Yao, forward Maciej Lampe, and guard Vassilis Spanoulis have formed a rap group and will be recording an album called "The U.N. Can Suck it" during their off days this season.
Bad news: That album will not be released until the spring and will make no sense.
New Orleans Hornets
The New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Southern Tennessee/Western Kentucky Jackrabbits acquisition of Peja Stojakovic during the off-season made things considerably hairy for the organization despite his impressive jumper. Budding star point guard Chris Paul has already slipped twice on dense trails of the former Pacer’s black hair in the locker room forcing the team equipment manager to treat Stojakovic’s locker as a bubble, similar to what teams do prior to championship celebrations.
Good news: If Bobby Jackson plays 20 games in a row, season ticket holders as well as stoned Tulane students will have free pizza delivered to their houses and dorm rooms by Jackson himself.
Bad news: According to their 2006 program, Byron Scott is still the coach.
San Antonio Spurs
The playoffs wouldn't be the same without them. We can only hope that these two will once again be back together come spring time.
The wacky bunch from San Antonio, featuring the ultra-charismatic Tim Duncan and the hilarious Tony Parker, set their sights on yet another deep playoff run that has already been planned around Eva Longoria’s busy B-level television schedule in case they get back together.
Good news: Robert Horry will save the season with his 531st game winning 3-pointer.
Bad news: Manu Ginobili remains banged up after trying to take a charge on a 230-pound waitress at renowned San Antonio hotspot, Chili's. Even worse, with all the elbowing, pushing, shoving, complaining, spitting, sliming, and genuinely annoying the hell out of his opponent, expect Bruce Bowen to spend some time in the ER.
Dallas Mavericks
With his new prime seat on Dampier's lap, Cuban will no longer have to pop out of the 2nd row like a spastic man-squirrel.
The defending Western Conference champs return with a questionably re-tooled bench highlighted by former Net and Beetlejuice look-a-like, Anthony Johnson and notorious Providence tough guy Austin Croshere. Expect the starters legs to fall off by Thanksgiving.
Good news: Mark Cuban continues to make an ass of himself with his never-before-seen-outside-of-a-movie-screen Frankenstein look. Even better, Jerry Stackhouse is still willing to literally fight anyone in his near vicinity for PT.
Bad news: Dallas paparazzi recently spotted Dirk Nowitzki happily picking up his home and away ‘4th Quarter Disappearing Cloaks’ from the dry cleaners. Not good. Even worse, instead of sitting right behind the team and screaming at referees, Mark Cuban will now be sitting on Erick Dampier’s lap during games.
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Western Conference:
Northwest Division
By J. Hamel and T. Ryan
Utah Jazz
As tough as it was to say goodbye to legendary stalwart Greg Ostertag, Utah must find a way to move on.
Jerry Sloan enters his 48th year as head coach of Team Whitie. Led by Ivan Drago at small forward and two other European starters, this team figures to do what every country did to the U.S. team in the summer games -- drive everyone crazy by playing basketball the right way.
Good news: Bad news for the merchandising department but greeeat news for the team - Greg Ostertag retired.
Bad news: Carlos Boozer and his agent will concoct a way to somehow screw over the entire team by putting Boozer’s interests first. Even worse, the rules of the Kirilenko household have not been made federal laws.
Portland Trailblazers
Despite a strong divide within the organization, most outsiders feel it's a good thing that talks have ceased with both Knight and ODB Jr's son.
With the majority of their players released from incarceration at Oz in time for the season, coupled with promising rookies, the Blazers should see an improvement on their 21 wins and 16 arrests from last year. With that said, how the Blazers didn’t trade up with Sacramento to pluck the budding Douby, Quincy Douby that is, is mind-boggling.
Good news: Old school coach Nate McMillan has canceled the private workout scheduled for Old Dirty Bastard Jr. Even better, Zach ‘Captain Insane-o’ Randolph hasn’t beaten or threatened any teammates…yet.
Bad news: Team artist Ted Wesley’s submission of a new NBA logo containing the silhouette of a handcuffed player behind bars has not made it to Stern’s desk for consideration yet. Even worse, due to prior commitments and countless shady deals already in place, Suge Knight will not be taking over as team President.
Minnesota Timberwolves
This looks like the last chance for the T-Wolves to win with Kevin Garnett before he demands a trade to Miami, Phoenix, Detroit or Cleveland to help lead them to a championship. McHale went ahead and overpaid for a shoot first PG in the last year of his contract on one of the worst teams in the league. Always a savvy move.
Good news: Kevin McHale’s legendary armpit hair has been cleared by Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, of harboring dirty bombs.
Bad news: How can a T-Wolves report go without mentioning the Crazy as Bat Shit trio of Eddie Griffin, Marc Blount and Ricky Davis? All three of these loons are prominently involved – I am sure this is bad news for the fans but great news for the Hernia. We will keep you posted.
Denver Nuggets
Coach George Karl found a way to press the right buttons and wear some sweet warm-ups last season. ‘Mello’ has a newfound maturity, and it could be traced to his calming influence – MTV world news, current event, RWRR challenge host and network chief political scientist - La-La.
Good news: Long rumored to be on the trading block – rebounding FORCE, defensive stopper, nip slip voyeur, and payroll bargain Kenyon Martin is coming back. The Hernia is perplexed how the Knicks couldn’t get a deal done for this all around good guy and franchise linchpin.
Bad news: Nene’s good luck ritual is giving diminutive PG Earl Boykins atomic wedgies during halftime of close games.
Seattle Supersonics
The looks of a young Bill Walton – the tattoos of a blind 16-year old street hood.
Really, is there anything to report? Player A is about to finish up his prime years playing for a once proud franchise surrounded by young players and castoffs? Wait, is this the Celtics team synopsis? Where am I?
Good news: Assistant coach Jack “my moves at the disco were” Sikma is working with raw big man Robert Swift – did someone turn up the heat in here?
Bad news: : In an effort to get some much-needed attention, Danny Fortson has demanded his teammates call him Deebo while stealing their pocket money and jewelry.
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Western Conference:
Pacific Division
By T. Ryan
Los Angeles Lakers
Rumors have been circulating that Kobe actually asked permission to wear Mr. Race's old crown and cape but was turned down by Vince McMahon.
Kobe Defiant and his motley group of cast-offs attempt to recover from the full-fledged ass kicking Phoenix handed them in game 7 of the playoffs last year. However, a determined and courageous off-season courting period by GM Mitch Kupchak landed them free agent prize, Shammond Williams. Better not wait ‘til the last minute to get those parade permits from City Hall.
Good news: During starting line-up introductions at home games and possibly road games with league approval, Kobe Bryant will be escorted to the court wearing a crown and cape similar to WWF great ‘King’ Harley Race.
Bad news: Any time Chris Mihm is your starting center, you know you’ve got issues. Even worse, Mihm now has sidekicks Jordan Farmer and Vladimir Radmonavic to tear it up with at the Standard Hotel.
Phoenix Suns
The high powered offense of the Suns returns fully loaded this year led by Steve ‘I can make the crappiest player look good’ Nash, freakish pogo stick Shawn Marion, and former Hawk-turned-All-Star, Boris Diaw. Does it really matter who else is coming back? Let’s just hope team enforcer Raja Bell will pick up where he left off. All the trash talking, vicious elbows, and general disrespect towards Diva Bryant was a breath of fresh air.
Before Flowbee debacle and after Flowbee debacle.
Good news: If Amare Stoudemire doesn’t fully recover from his knee injuries, they can always pick up Oliver Miller and Sharone Wright who would hop out of their coffins, instantly lose 40 pounds, and become immediate All-Stars.
Bad news: Steve Nash shaved his head and has quickly gone from uber hipster to an extra on Alien Nation. No truth to rumor he shaved it with a Flowbee. Even worse, Nash will not be getting 99% of the money Tim Thomas scored through free agency.
Los Angeles Clippers
“Are you ready for Maggette?”
The Clippers hope to build off a promising season led by savvy veterans Elton Brand and Mars native, Sam Cassell. The sky’s the limit if 103-pound toothpick Shaun Livingston can somehow avoid physical contact for the entire season. On the flip side, free agent acquisition Tim Thomas will no doubt be back to his awful self after cashing in and no longer playing in the Sun’s video game offense.
Good news: Corey Maggette said his infamous “Are you ready for Maggette?” line to over 16 gushing models last night at Sky Bar in L.A. Even better, Sam Cassell was behind him doing his patented ‘Big Nuts’ dance routine to the delight of everyone in the bar.
Bad news: Chris Kaman was stuck waiting in the dreaded line outside of Sky Bar and was unable to enjoy the antics going on inside.
Sacramento Kings
Brothers Maloof went out and got crazy this off-season. With the signings of undrafted rookies Eugene Jeter and Justin Williams that some have been calling heists, this team has clearly moved on from the loss of Bonzi Wells. Also, the addition of Loren Woods and his career 2.6 points and 10 back spasms per game should spell some much needed relief for hard working center Brad Miller.
Good news: Jason Hart has decided not to relinquish his important role as Ron Artest’s punching bag. Even better, fresh off his DUI, new stressed out coach Eric Musselman will be wearing a Jets duel-drinking helmet during the 4th quarter of every home game.
Bad news: Is there really such thing as bad news for the Maloofs?
Golden State Warriors
Nellie in March – after pulling a Spree on Baron Davis after another 3-17 night.
Old friend Don Nelson is back to run the Warriors. Long gone are old friends Mullin, Sprewell, Richmond and Hardaway. Now he looks forward to coaching the likes of Baron Davis, Jason Richardson and Mike Dunleavy.
Good news: Adonal Foyle has reportedly spent the off-season learning to play defense with his back to the team bench.
Bad news: Don Nelson’s first order of business is turning Mike Dunleavy into a Point Forward – ala his reclamation project Chris Mullin. Considering he has not proven that he can pass, handle the ball, play defense, shoot or be a leader – this sounds promising.
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