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Eastern Conference:
Atlantic Division
James Dolan dares Knicks fans to pull his finger.
By J. Hamel
New York Knicks
Google "James Dolan Sucks" and you get 44,200 hits. I Googled my name and sucks and it only got 539 hits. This tells me I am doing something right.
Good news: Renaldo Balkman has a very cool name.
Bad news: Word out of Knicks camp is Eddy Curry is off the Frank Williams Snickers diet and has taken up with nude yoga guru, Felton Spencer.
New Jersey Nets
LFrank gets another shot as HC of the NJNs. Though the team goes into the season with VC in his money year, many beats are predicting a top of the D finish for these ballers. JKidd and RJ are back and ready to man the rock and swingman roles respectively.
The Nets latest marketing gimmick.
Good news: The team signed (but has since waived) Jay Williams the poppin’ wheelie freak, not Jayson Williams the limo driver (and pet rottweiller) murdering super freak.
Bad news: This lame duck franchise can’t get anyone to come to games. The latest gimmick is letting fans hit half court shots for a chance to feel up Joumana Kidd’s funbags.
Boston Celtics
The wishful thinking is that the once proud franchise will find a way to make the playoffs this season. Think about this, take away Paul Pierce - does this team make it to the round of 32 in the NCAAs?
Good news: Another season of sound bites from Delonte West who sounds like he drank an oil can of LSD whenever a mic is put in front of him.
Bad news: Head coach Glen “Doc” Rivers nickname rhymes with Cock – and we all now how crafty hub fans tend to get with their heckling.
Philadelphia 76ers
Kyle Korver HAS to rhyme with STUDD
Despite an off-season of swirling trade rumors, Allen ‘disgruntled gangstah’ the ansah’ is back. How did GM Billy King try and improve the team? First they drafted a ‘some euro dude’ named Thabo. They then traded Thabo for a Carney (draft synopsis: small hands smells like cabbage).
Good news: The team was sold on retaining the services of Allen Iverson after directions to the Sixers practice facility were tattooed on his chest and back.
Bad news: Rick Brunson AND Kevin Ollie, founding members of the ‘HOW-THE-FUCK-ARE-THEY-STILL-IN-THE-NBA’ team, were fighting for minutes at PG this preseason and had Philly fans buzzing. Was father of the 10-day contract Doug Overton not available?
Toronto Raptors
Jose Calderon realizes something stinks in the Great White North.
Rail thin Chris Bosh is doing is best Shareef Abdur-Rahim impression in Toronto. New GM Brian Colangelo has brought his father's Suns blueprint to Toronto by subsequently acquiring a speedy PG entering the prime of his career, to build around. Too bad that speedy point guard is not named Nash and is best known for shooting like a girl and having a surgically fused spinal column.
Good news: Despite Mo Pete's lobbying, new GM Brian Colangelo politely declined a summer league spot to unmitigated draft disaster/fraud/no-talent-assclown Mateen Cleaves.
Bad news: After asking around town about secret 'cock fights', Jose Calderon and Jorge Garbosa ended up at a bar called The Manhole. Bad idea.
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