|
Eastern Conference:
Central Division
By A. Grady
Chicago Bulls
Ben Wallace serenading Bulls with "Fee Tines a Mady" [click for video]
The Bulls inked cantankerous center Ben Wallace to a 60-million dollar deal for his defense and intensity, but few know what a soothing affect his impromptu a cappella versions of “Wookin’ Pa Nub” and “Fee Tines a Mady” can have on a team in the locker room.
Good news: Andres Nocioni turned down offers from Ultimate Fighting, the WWE and BumFights.com to return for another year with the Bulls.
Bad news: Michael “Sweet Rolls” Sweetney was caught trying to eat a napping Chris Duhon on a recent team flight.
Indiana Pacers
An eager Rick Carlisle seen here arriving at Pacers' Training Camp.
Coach Lloyd Christmas and the champagne swillin', thong snapping, Uzi blasting, lovable bunch from Indy appear to be as focused as ever this season now that Stephen Jackson has finally been given league approval to play with a remote 'dog training shock collar' as well as encouraged access to free Valium. And you thought Utah ran a tight ship.
Good news: Pacers got some much needed salary cap relief when athletic swingman, and longtime crazy person, Stephen Jackson agreed to take half his salary in Flashcash (a recognized currency only in Flashdancers Gentlemen’s clubs).
Bad news: Notorious transvestite thug and locker room cancer Jeff Foster returns.
Cleveland Cavs
James' Papa Smurf bearded look soon to sweep the nation.
Papa Smurf bearded NBA cornerstone LeBron James continued to exude a calm, confident aura in crunchtime last year by chewing on his nails like a squirrel hacking on a nut. Meanwhile, Zydrunas Ilgauskas continues to deny any relation to Zangief from StreetFighter 2.
Good news: Cavs fans are giddy after LeBron James spent the entire off-season saying he wants to be the ‘richest man on earth’, and what better market to maximize his earning potential than Cleveland, Ohio?
Bad news: James’ pulled back headband look seems to be the next retarded trend to sweep the NBA and your local middle school.
Milwaukee Bucks
The youth movement taking place in Milwaukee features eyebrow-less wonder Charlie Villenueva, who they hope adds a presence to the frontline and more importantly fills the much needed 'alien void' that has been missing since Sam Cassell was transported after the 2002 season. Newcomers Steve Blake and Lynn Greer are expected to contribute absolutely nothing aside from logging the most designated driver minutes in the Midwest.
Good news: The Bucks continue to look incredibly macho in their purple and green uniforms.
Bad news: Longtime pretty boy Toni Kukoc called it a career in the off-season, surely depriving Bucks players of some primo eastern-European groupie ass.
Detroit Pistons
The Pistons investment Rip Hamilton Replica Facemasks was a big disaster.
The Pistons lost the heart and soul of their team, Ben Wallace, to free agency, traded away the suddenly promising Donnie Darko Milicic for a bag of Funyons and a snack to be named later, threw their new coach under a bus after a playoff collapse, watched their sharp-shooting hedgehog Chauncey Billups miss his first big 3-pointer in 2 years and overpaid for back-up center Nazr Mohammed. Other than that, it’s been a tremendous 8 months or so for the Pistons.
Good news: After declining a role as head villain in the next Batman film, hulking small forward Tayshaun Prince added eating to his off-season workout routine and gained over 7 ounces of muscle.
Bad news: Pistons lost millions on the production of the ill-fated Richard Hamilton replica facemasks, which failed to sell the way marketing guru Rod Fleshpants promised (it should be noted, Fleshpants was also responsible for the Pistons ‘flaming horse engine’, turquoise, red, yellow, silver and brown uniform disaster of the late 90’s).
|
