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Western Conference:
Northwest Division
By J. Hamel and T. Ryan
Utah Jazz
As tough as it was to say goodbye to legendary stalwart Greg Ostertag, Utah must find a way to move on.
Jerry Sloan enters his 48th year as head coach of Team Whitie. Led by Ivan Drago at small forward and two other European starters, this team figures to do what every country did to the U.S. team in the summer games -- drive everyone crazy by playing basketball the right way.
Good news: Bad news for the merchandising department but greeeat news for the team - Greg Ostertag retired.
Bad news: Carlos Boozer and his agent will concoct a way to somehow screw over the entire team by putting Boozer’s interests first. Even worse, the rules of the Kirilenko household have not been made federal laws.
Portland Trailblazers
Despite a strong divide within the organization, most outsiders feel it's a good thing that talks have ceased with both Knight and ODB Jr's son.
With the majority of their players released from incarceration at Oz in time for the season, coupled with promising rookies, the Blazers should see an improvement on their 21 wins and 16 arrests from last year. With that said, how the Blazers didn’t trade up with Sacramento to pluck the budding Douby, Quincy Douby that is, is mind-boggling.
Good news: Old school coach Nate McMillan has canceled the private workout scheduled for Old Dirty Bastard Jr. Even better, Zach ‘Captain Insane-o’ Randolph hasn’t beaten or threatened any teammates…yet.
Bad news: Team artist Ted Wesley’s submission of a new NBA logo containing the silhouette of a handcuffed player behind bars has not made it to Stern’s desk for consideration yet. Even worse, due to prior commitments and countless shady deals already in place, Suge Knight will not be taking over as team President.
Minnesota Timberwolves
This looks like the last chance for the T-Wolves to win with Kevin Garnett before he demands a trade to Miami, Phoenix, Detroit or Cleveland to help lead them to a championship. McHale went ahead and overpaid for a shoot first PG in the last year of his contract on one of the worst teams in the league. Always a savvy move.
Good news: Kevin McHale’s legendary armpit hair has been cleared by Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, of harboring dirty bombs.
Bad news: How can a T-Wolves report go without mentioning the Crazy as Bat Shit trio of Eddie Griffin, Marc Blount and Ricky Davis? All three of these loons are prominently involved – I am sure this is bad news for the fans but great news for the Hernia. We will keep you posted.
Denver Nuggets
Coach George Karl found a way to press the right buttons and wear some sweet warm-ups last season. ‘Mello’ has a newfound maturity, and it could be traced to his calming influence – MTV world news, current event, RWRR challenge host and network chief political scientist - La-La.
Good news: Long rumored to be on the trading block – rebounding FORCE, defensive stopper, nip slip voyeur, and payroll bargain Kenyon Martin is coming back. The Hernia is perplexed how the Knicks couldn’t get a deal done for this all around good guy and franchise linchpin.
Bad news: Nene’s good luck ritual is giving diminutive PG Earl Boykins atomic wedgies during halftime of close games.
Seattle Supersonics
The looks of a young Bill Walton – the tattoos of a blind 16-year old street hood.
Really, is there anything to report? Player A is about to finish up his prime years playing for a once proud franchise surrounded by young players and castoffs? Wait, is this the Celtics team synopsis? Where am I?
Good news: Assistant coach Jack “my moves at the disco were” Sikma is working with raw big man Robert Swift – did someone turn up the heat in here?
Bad news: : In an effort to get some much-needed attention, Danny Fortson has demanded his teammates call him Deebo while stealing their pocket money and jewelry.
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