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Western Conference:
Pacific Division
By T. Ryan
Los Angeles Lakers
Rumors have been circulating that Kobe actually asked permission to wear Mr. Race's old crown and cape but was turned down by Vince McMahon.
Kobe Defiant and his motley group of cast-offs attempt to recover from the full-fledged ass kicking Phoenix handed them in game 7 of the playoffs last year. However, a determined and courageous off-season courting period by GM Mitch Kupchak landed them free agent prize, Shammond Williams. Better not wait ‘til the last minute to get those parade permits from City Hall.
Good news: During starting line-up introductions at home games and possibly road games with league approval, Kobe Bryant will be escorted to the court wearing a crown and cape similar to WWF great ‘King’ Harley Race.
Bad news: Any time Chris Mihm is your starting center, you know you’ve got issues. Even worse, Mihm now has sidekicks Jordan Farmer and Vladimir Radmonavic to tear it up with at the Standard Hotel.
Phoenix Suns
The high powered offense of the Suns returns fully loaded this year led by Steve ‘I can make the crappiest player look good’ Nash, freakish pogo stick Shawn Marion, and former Hawk-turned-All-Star, Boris Diaw. Does it really matter who else is coming back? Let’s just hope team enforcer Raja Bell will pick up where he left off. All the trash talking, vicious elbows, and general disrespect towards Diva Bryant was a breath of fresh air.
Before Flowbee debacle and after Flowbee debacle.
Good news: If Amare Stoudemire doesn’t fully recover from his knee injuries, they can always pick up Oliver Miller and Sharone Wright who would hop out of their coffins, instantly lose 40 pounds, and become immediate All-Stars.
Bad news: Steve Nash shaved his head and has quickly gone from uber hipster to an extra on Alien Nation. No truth to rumor he shaved it with a Flowbee. Even worse, Nash will not be getting 99% of the money Tim Thomas scored through free agency.
Los Angeles Clippers
“Are you ready for Maggette?”
The Clippers hope to build off a promising season led by savvy veterans Elton Brand and Mars native, Sam Cassell. The sky’s the limit if 103-pound toothpick Shaun Livingston can somehow avoid physical contact for the entire season. On the flip side, free agent acquisition Tim Thomas will no doubt be back to his awful self after cashing in and no longer playing in the Sun’s video game offense.
Good news: Corey Maggette said his infamous “Are you ready for Maggette?” line to over 16 gushing models last night at Sky Bar in L.A. Even better, Sam Cassell was behind him doing his patented ‘Big Nuts’ dance routine to the delight of everyone in the bar.
Bad news: Chris Kaman was stuck waiting in the dreaded line outside of Sky Bar and was unable to enjoy the antics going on inside.
Sacramento Kings
Brothers Maloof went out and got crazy this off-season. With the signings of undrafted rookies Eugene Jeter and Justin Williams that some have been calling heists, this team has clearly moved on from the loss of Bonzi Wells. Also, the addition of Loren Woods and his career 2.6 points and 10 back spasms per game should spell some much needed relief for hard working center Brad Miller.
Good news: Jason Hart has decided not to relinquish his important role as Ron Artest’s punching bag. Even better, fresh off his DUI, new stressed out coach Eric Musselman will be wearing a Jets duel-drinking helmet during the 4th quarter of every home game.
Bad news: Is there really such thing as bad news for the Maloofs?
Golden State Warriors
Nellie in March – after pulling a Spree on Baron Davis after another 3-17 night.
Old friend Don Nelson is back to run the Warriors. Long gone are old friends Mullin, Sprewell, Richmond and Hardaway. Now he looks forward to coaching the likes of Baron Davis, Jason Richardson and Mike Dunleavy.
Good news: Adonal Foyle has reportedly spent the off-season learning to play defense with his back to the team bench.
Bad news: Don Nelson’s first order of business is turning Mike Dunleavy into a Point Forward – ala his reclamation project Chris Mullin. Considering he has not proven that he can pass, handle the ball, play defense, shoot or be a leader – this sounds promising.
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