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Eastern Conference:
Southeast Division
By A. Grady
Miami Heat
Riley plans to platoon his coaching duties this season with Gordon Gekko.
Pat Riley returned to the bench last year to ruin the game of basketball once again by installing the "Everybody just get the fuck out of the way and let Wade drive to the basket and act as if he was shot by a bazooka" offense. Look for every team in the NBA to try to copy this hideously boring playing style, but only with an infinitely crappier player in Wade’s role.
Good news: Riley will be fresh for the playoffs and maintain a more consistent tan this year by rotating in Gordon Gekko to coach on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Bad news: Jayson Williams has been stripped of his ‘White Chocolate’ nickname and will now go by the more pedestrian ‘Pale Ovaltine’.
Washington Wizards
Darius Some Guy, Eh.
The Wizards appear poised to be this decade’s version of the 80’s-90’s Cleveland Cavs, losing in the second round of the playoffs every year to either Dwayne Wade or LeBron James. Feel free to throw up on your keyboard here if you are a Washington fan.
Good news: Eddie Jordan brought in longtime Washington Generals defensive guru Herbert Shenkel to shore up the sagging D.
Bad news: Wizards gave their full midlevel exception to Darius Songaila (more commonly known around the league as ‘Some Guy, Eh”), filling a glaring need for a big, white, cap-killing stiff.
Charlotte Bobcats
Rumor has it, Morrison will leave the Bobcats for rock group, Kings of Leon, by mid-season.
Michael Jordan brings his savvy drafting eye and keen ability to get the most out of his players through the amazing power of positive re-enforcement to the upstart Bobcats. Look for 1st round draft pick Adam Morrison to lose 30 pounds in sheer tears and leave the team by midseason to join rock group, Kings of Leon.
Good news: The Bobcats are right at the threshold for the league’s minimum salary requirement, therefore enabling them to panic and overpay for crappy free agents in the upcoming off-seasons after realizing all the good players have already re-upped.
Bad news: Chipmunk-cheeked fatty Sean May will complete his transformation into Clarence Weatherspoon around the spring of 2008.
Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks were one of the teams to pass on uber-STUDD point guard Chris Paul in the draft 2 years ago, opting instead for Chud Ford mancrush, SF Marvin Williams. No one could’ve predicted the underwhelming performance of Williams, unless you took into account the fact that he didn’t start in college and his vertical leap at the combine was only 2” higher than cement-footed honky center Andrew Bogut.
Good news: While the Hawks have become the standard in sucking royal ass, it does help the city of Atlanta avoid the humiliation of not selling out yet another professional sports playoff game and exposing it as a complete farce.
Bad news: Sources say rookie PF Sheldon Williams has been mulling over an offer of a lifetime role on Star Trek Voyager. Even worse, the Hawks will be required by law to change their name to the ‘Atlanta Who Gives a Crap’ if they don’t break the 20 win barrier this season.
Orlando Magic
Last season's acquisition, Darko Milicic vants to suck your blood.
With names like Keyon, Hedo, Darko and Jameer, the Magic sound more like a Star Wars bar intramural team than an NBA line-up, yet things remain optimistic in Orlando with franchise man-beast Dwight Howard, who became the youngest player in the NBA to give a crap in quite some time. Meanwhile, JJ Reddick’s DUI charge before the season raised some concerns, but police actually helped JJ prepare for not being able to drive in the NBA.
Good news: League officials have eased up on their dress code and will let Darko Milicic wear his Dracula cape during games this year.
Bad news: Poor Grant Hill will likely miss the majority of the season due to injuries again. He may be able to find some solace in collecting the last 17 million dollars on his contract, banging his ridiculously hot wife or sailing the Caribbean on his yacht…just maybe.
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