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Western Conference:
Southwest Division
By T. Ryan
Memphis Grizzlies
We really miss the perm Mike. Let's hope Elaine Benes doesn't rip that thing off.
Coach Mike Fratello leads the mighty Grizz’ as they hope to once again barely reach the playoffs and then get swept in the 1st round so Pau Gasol can rest up for the summer games and kick the crap out of the U.S. team. The only major change within the structure of the organization is that new owners Christian Laettner and Brian Davis have instituted a new rule making it mandatory to cry after each win or loss that is within a margin of 3 points or less.
Good news: With Damon Stoudamire on the roster and the departure of student council president Shane Battier, this team will be happily smoking some amazingly good weed. Even better, Mike Fratello’s patented caeser toupee has been versioned into three different colors, with the ‘Grizzly sky blue’ expected to be worn for all home games.
Bad news: If the small village of people living in Pau Gasol’s beard decide to move forward with rumored plans of a walkout, look for chaos and team dissention within the Grizzlies locker room. Worse, rookie Rudy Gay, already under heavy criticism from basically everyone, took a shot from team president Jerry West who said "Gay is a like a ballerina out there." (actual quote).
Houston Rockets
The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes.
Houston starts off with a fresh look this season through the additions of the ridiculously unhappy Bonzi Wells and the annoyingly happy Shane Battier. With the imposing presence of Jeff Van Gundy and that potent offense, expect Yao Ming to be the first center in NBA history to fall asleep during a game and for Dikembe Mutombo to be laughing hysterically on the bench.
Good news: The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes. Even better news, Mutombo, Yao, forward Maciej Lampe, and guard Vassilis Spanoulis have formed a rap group and will be recording an album called "The U.N. Can Suck it" during their off days this season.
Bad news: That album will not be released until the spring and will make no sense.
New Orleans Hornets
The New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Southern Tennessee/Western Kentucky Jackrabbits acquisition of Peja Stojakovic during the off-season made things considerably hairy for the organization despite his impressive jumper. Budding star point guard Chris Paul has already slipped twice on dense trails of the former Pacer’s black hair in the locker room forcing the team equipment manager to treat Stojakovic’s locker as a bubble, similar to what teams do prior to championship celebrations.
Good news: If Bobby Jackson plays 20 games in a row, season ticket holders as well as stoned Tulane students will have free pizza delivered to their houses and dorm rooms by Jackson himself.
Bad news: According to their 2006 program, Byron Scott is still the coach.
San Antonio Spurs
The playoffs wouldn't be the same without them. We can only hope that these two will once again be back together come spring time.
The wacky bunch from San Antonio, featuring the ultra-charismatic Tim Duncan and the hilarious Tony Parker, set their sights on yet another deep playoff run that has already been planned around Eva Longoria’s busy B-level television schedule in case they get back together.
Good news: Robert Horry will save the season with his 531st game winning 3-pointer.
Bad news: Manu Ginobili remains banged up after trying to take a charge on a 230-pound waitress at renowned San Antonio hotspot, Chili's. Even worse, with all the elbowing, pushing, shoving, complaining, spitting, sliming, and genuinely annoying the hell out of his opponent, expect Bruce Bowen to spend some time in the ER.
Dallas Mavericks
With his new prime seat on Dampier's lap, Cuban will no longer have to pop out of the 2nd row like a spastic man-squirrel.
The defending Western Conference champs return with a questionably re-tooled bench highlighted by former Net and Beetlejuice look-a-like, Anthony Johnson and notorious Providence tough guy Austin Croshere. Expect the starters legs to fall off by Thanksgiving.
Good news: Mark Cuban continues to make an ass of himself with his never-before-seen-outside-of-a-movie-screen Frankenstein look. Even better, Jerry Stackhouse is still willing to literally fight anyone in his near vicinity for PT.
Bad news: Dallas paparazzi recently spotted Dirk Nowitzki happily picking up his home and away ‘4th Quarter Disappearing Cloaks’ from the dry cleaners. Not good. Even worse, instead of sitting right behind the team and screaming at referees, Mark Cuban will now be sitting on Erick Dampier’s lap during games.
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