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HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - With the 2006 NBA season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual NBA Preview, Hernia style:
Eastern Conference:
Atlantic Division
James Dolan dares Knicks fans to pull his finger.
By J. Hamel
New York Knicks
Google "James Dolan Sucks" and you get 44,200 hits. I Googled my name and sucks and it only got 539 hits. This tells me I am doing something right.
Good news: Renaldo Balkman has a very cool name.
Bad news: Word out of Knicks camp is Eddy Curry is off the Frank Williams Snickers diet and has taken up with nude yoga guru, Felton Spencer.
New Jersey Nets
LFrank gets another shot as HC of the NJNs. Though the team goes into the season with VC in his money year, many beats are predicting a top of the D finish for these ballers. JKidd and RJ are back and ready to man the rock and swingman roles respectively.
The Nets latest marketing gimmick.
Good news: The team signed (but has since waived) Jay Williams the poppin’ wheelie freak, not Jayson Williams the limo driver (and pet rottweiller) murdering super freak.
Bad news: This lame duck franchise can’t get anyone to come to games. The latest gimmick is letting fans hit half court shots for a chance to feel up Joumana Kidd’s funbags.
Boston Celtics
The wishful thinking is that the once proud franchise will find a way to make the playoffs this season. Think about this, take away Paul Pierce - does this team make it to the round of 32 in the NCAAs?
Good news: Another season of sound bites from Delonte West who sounds like he drank an oil can of LSD whenever a mic is put in front of him.
Bad news: Head coach Glen “Doc” Rivers nickname rhymes with Cock – and we all now how crafty hub fans tend to get with their heckling.
Philadelphia 76ers
Kyle Korver HAS to rhyme with STUDD
Despite an off-season of swirling trade rumors, Allen ‘disgruntled gangstah’ the ansah’ is back. How did GM Billy King try and improve the team? First they drafted a ‘some euro dude’ named Thabo. They then traded Thabo for a Carney (draft synopsis: small hands smells like cabbage).
Good news: The team was sold on retaining the services of Allen Iverson after directions to the Sixers practice facility were tattooed on his chest and back.
Bad news: Rick Brunson AND Kevin Ollie, founding members of the ‘HOW-THE-FUCK-ARE-THEY-STILL-IN-THE-NBA’ team, were fighting for minutes at PG this preseason and had Philly fans buzzing. Was father of the 10-day contract Doug Overton not available?
Toronto Raptors
Jose Calderon realizes something stinks in the Great White North.
Rail thin Chris Bosh is doing is best Shareef Abdur-Rahim impression in Toronto. New GM Brian Colangelo has brought his father's Suns blueprint to Toronto by subsequently acquiring a speedy PG entering the prime of his career, to build around. Too bad that speedy point guard is not named Nash and is best known for shooting like a girl and having a surgically fused spinal column.
Good news: Despite Mo Pete's lobbying, new GM Brian Colangelo politely declined a summer league spot to unmitigated draft disaster/fraud/no-talent-assclown Mateen Cleaves.
Bad news: After asking around town about secret 'cock fights', Jose Calderon and Jorge Garbosa ended up at a bar called The Manhole. Bad idea.
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Eastern Conference:
Southeast Division
By A. Grady
Miami Heat
Riley plans to platoon his coaching duties this season with Gordon Gekko.
Pat Riley returned to the bench last year to ruin the game of basketball once again by installing the "Everybody just get the fuck out of the way and let Wade drive to the basket and act as if he was shot by a bazooka" offense. Look for every team in the NBA to try to copy this hideously boring playing style, but only with an infinitely crappier player in Wade’s role.
Good news: Riley will be fresh for the playoffs and maintain a more consistent tan this year by rotating in Gordon Gekko to coach on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Bad news: Jayson Williams has been stripped of his ‘White Chocolate’ nickname and will now go by the more pedestrian ‘Pale Ovaltine’.
Washington Wizards
Darius Some Guy, Eh.
The Wizards appear poised to be this decade’s version of the 80’s-90’s Cleveland Cavs, losing in the second round of the playoffs every year to either Dwayne Wade or LeBron James. Feel free to throw-up on your keyboard here if you are a Washington fan.
Good news: Eddie Jordan brought in longtime Washington Generals defensive guru Herbert Shenkel to shore up the sagging D.
Bad news: Wizards gave their full midlevel exception to Darius Songaila (more commonly known around the league as ‘Some Guy, Eh”), filling a glaring need for a big, white, cap-killing stiff.
Charlotte Bobcats
Rumor has it, Morrison will leave the Bobcats for rock group, Kings of Leon, by mid-season.
Michael Jordan brings his savvy drafting eye and keen ability to get the most out of his players through the amazing power of positive re-enforcement to the upstart Bobcats. Look for 1st round draft pick Adam Morrison to lose 30 pounds in sheer tears and leave the team by midseason to join rock group, Kings of Leon.
Good news: The Bobcats are right at the threshold for the league’s minimum salary requirement, therefore enabling them to panic and overpay for crappy free agents in the upcoming off-seasons after realizing all the good players have already re-upped.
Bad news: Chipmunk-cheeked fatty Sean May will complete his transformation into Clarence Weatherspoon around the spring of 2008.
Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks were one of the teams to pass on uber-STUDD point guard Chris Paul in the draft 2 years ago, opting instead for Chud Ford mancrush, SF Marvin Williams. No one could’ve predicted the underwhelming performance of Williams, unless you took into account the fact that he didn’t start in college and his vertical leap at the combine was only 2” higher than cement-footed honky center Andrew Bogut.
Good news: While the Hawks have become the standard in sucking royal ass, it does help the city of Atlanta avoid the humiliation of not selling out yet another professional sports playoff game and exposing it as a complete farce.
Bad news: Sources say rookie PF Sheldon Williams has been mulling over an offer of a lifetime role on Star Trek Voyager. Even worse, the Hawks will be required by law to change their name to the ‘Atlanta Who Gives a Crap’ if they don’t break the 20 win barrier this season.
Orlando Magic
Last season's acquisition, Darko Milicic vants to suck your blood.
With names like Keyon, Hedo, Darko and Jameer, the Magic sound more like a Star Wars bar intramural team than an NBA line-up, yet things remain optimistic in Orlando with franchise man-beast Dwight Howard, who became the youngest player in the NBA to give a crap in quite some time. Meanwhile, JJ Reddick’s DUI charge before the season raised some concerns, but police actually helped JJ prepare for not being able to drive in the NBA.
Good news: League officials have eased up on their dress code and will let Darko Milicic wear his Dracula cape during games this year.
Bad news: Poor Grant Hill will likely miss the majority of the season due to injuries again. He may be able to find some solace in collecting the last 17 million dollars on his contract, banging his ridiculously hot wife or sailing the Caribbean on his yacht… just maybe.
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Eastern Conference:
Central Division
By A. Grady
Chicago Bulls
Ben Wallace serenading Bulls with "Fee Tines a Mady" [click for video]
The Bulls inked cantankerous center Ben Wallace to a 60-million dollar deal for his defense and intensity, but few know what a soothing affect his impromptu a cappella versions of “Wookin’ Pa Nub” and “Fee Tines a Mady” can have on a team in the locker room.
Good news: Andres Nocioni turned down offers from Ultimate Fighting, the WWE and BumFights.com to return for another year with the Bulls.
Bad news: Michael “Sweet Rolls” Sweetney was caught trying to eat a napping Chris Duhon on a recent team flight.
Indiana Pacers
An eager Rick Carlisle seen here arriving at Pacers' Training Camp.
Coach Lloyd Christmas and the champagne swillin', thong snapping, Uzi blasting, lovable bunch from Indy appear to be as focused as ever this season now that Stephen Jackson has finally been given league approval to play with a remote 'dog training shock collar' as well as encouraged access to free Valium. And you thought Utah ran a tight ship.
Good news: Pacers got some much needed salary cap relief when athletic swingman, and longtime crazy person, Stephen Jackson agreed to take half his salary in Flashcash (a recognized currency only in Flashdancers Gentlemen’s clubs).
Bad news: Notorious transvestite thug and locker room cancer Jeff Foster returns.
Cleveland Cavs
James' Papa Smurf bearded look soon to sweep the nation.
Papa Smurf bearded NBA cornerstone LeBron James continued to exude a calm, confident aura in crunchtime last year by chewing on his nails like a squirrel hacking on a nut. Meanwhile, Zydrunas Ilgauskas continues to deny any relation to Zangief from StreetFighter 2.
Good news: Cavs fans are giddy after LeBron James spent the entire off-season saying he wants to be the ‘richest man on earth’, and what better market to maximize his earning potential than Cleveland, Ohio?
Bad news: James’ pulled back headband look seems to be the next retarded trend to sweep the NBA and your local middle school.
Milwaukee Bucks
The youth movement taking place in Milwaukee features eyebrow-less wonder Charlie Villenueva, who they hope adds a presence to the frontline and more importantly fills the much needed 'alien void' that has been missing since Sam Cassell was transported after the 2002 season. Newcomers Steve Blake and Lynn Greer are expected to contribute absolutely nothing aside from logging the most designated driver minutes in the Midwest.
Good news: The Bucks continue to look incredibly macho in their purple and green uniforms.
Bad news: Longtime pretty boy Toni Kukoc called it a career in the off-season, surely depriving Bucks players of some primo eastern-European groupie ass.
Detroit Pistons
The Pistons investment Rip Hamilton Replica Facemasks was a big disaster.
The Pistons lost the heart and soul of their team, Ben Wallace, to free agency, traded away the suddenly promising Donnie Darko Milicic for a bag of Funyons and a snack to be named later, threw their new coach under a bus after a playoff collapse, watched their sharp-shooting hedgehog Chauncey Billups miss his first big 3-pointer in 2 years and overpaid for back-up center Nazr Mohammed. Other than that, it’s been a tremendous 8 months or so for the Pistons.
Good news: After declining a role as head villain in the next Batman film, hulking small forward Tayshaun Prince added eating to his off-season workout routine and gained over 7 ounces of muscle.
Bad news: Pistons lost millions on the production of the ill-fated Richard Hamilton replica facemasks, which failed to sell the way marketing guru Rod Fleshpants promised (it should be noted, Fleshpants was also responsible for the Pistons ‘flaming horse engine’, turquoise, red, yellow, silver and brown uniform disaster of the late 90’s).
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