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HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - With the 2006 NBA season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual NBA Preview, Hernia style:
Western Conference:
Southwest Division
By T. Ryan
Memphis Grizzlies
We really miss the perm Mike. Let's hope Elaine Benes doesn't rip that thing off.
Coach Mike Fratello leads the mighty Grizz’ as they hope to once again barely reach the playoffs and then get swept in the 1st round so Pau Gasol can rest up for the summer games and kick the crap out of the U.S. team. The only major change within the structure of the organization is that new owners Christian Laettner and Brian Davis have instituted a new rule making it mandatory to cry after each win or loss that is within a margin of 3 points or less.
Good news: With Damon Stoudamire on the roster and the departure of student council president Shane Battier, this team will be happily smoking some amazingly good weed. Even better, Mike Fratello’s patented caeser toupee has been versioned into three different colors, with the ‘Grizzly sky blue’ expected to be worn for all home games.
Bad news: If the small village of people living in Pau Gasol’s beard decide to move forward with rumored plans of a walkout, look for chaos and team dissention within the Grizzlies locker room. Worse, rookie Rudy Gay, already under heavy criticism from basically everyone, took a shot from team president Jerry West who said "Gay is a like a ballerina out there." (actual quote).
Houston Rockets
The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes.
Houston starts off with a fresh look this season through the additions of the ridiculously unhappy Bonzi Wells and the annoyingly happy Shane Battier. With the imposing presence of Jeff Van Gundy and that potent offense, expect Yao Ming to be the first center in NBA history to fall asleep during a game and for Dikembe Mutombo to be laughing hysterically on the bench.
Good news: The Rockets have hired a team of special assistants to help carry the bags under Jeff Van Gundy’s eyes. Even better news, Mutombo, Yao, forward Maciej Lampe, and guard Vassilis Spanoulis have formed a rap group and will be recording an album called "The U.N. Can Suck it" during their off days this season.
Bad news: That album will not be released until the spring and will make no sense.
New Orleans Hornets
The New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Southern Tennessee/Western Kentucky Jackrabbits acquisition of Peja Stojakovic during the off-season made things considerably hairy for the organization despite his impressive jumper. Budding star point guard Chris Paul has already slipped twice on dense trails of the former Pacer’s black hair in the locker room forcing the team equipment manager to treat Stojakovic’s locker as a bubble, similar to what teams do prior to championship celebrations.
Good news: If Bobby Jackson plays 20 games in a row, season ticket holders as well as stoned Tulane students will have free pizza delivered to their houses and dorm rooms by Jackson himself.
Bad news: According to their 2006 program, Byron Scott is still the coach.
San Antonio Spurs
The playoffs wouldn't be the same without them. We can only hope that these two will once again be back together come spring time.
The wacky bunch from San Antonio, featuring the ultra-charismatic Tim Duncan and the hilarious Tony Parker, set their sights on yet another deep playoff run that has already been planned around Eva Longoria’s busy B-level television schedule in case they get back together.
Good news: Robert Horry will save the season with his 531st game winning 3-pointer.
Bad news: Manu Ginobili remains banged up after trying to take a charge on a 230-pound waitress at renowned San Antonio hotspot, Chili's. Even worse, with all the elbowing, pushing, shoving, complaining, spitting, sliming, and genuinely annoying the hell out of his opponent, expect Bruce Bowen to spend some time in the ER.
Dallas Mavericks
With his new prime seat on Dampier's lap, Cuban will no longer have to pop out of the 2nd row like a spastic man-squirrel.
The defending Western Conference champs return with a questionably re-tooled bench highlighted by former Net and Beetlejuice look-a-like, Anthony Johnson and notorious Providence tough guy Austin Croshere. Expect the starters legs to fall off by Thanksgiving.
Good news: Mark Cuban continues to make an ass of himself with his never-before-seen-outside-of-a-movie-screen Frankenstein look. Even better, Jerry Stackhouse is still willing to literally fight anyone in his near vicinity for PT.
Bad news: Dallas paparazzi recently spotted Dirk Nowitzki happily picking up his home and away ‘4th Quarter Disappearing Cloaks’ from the dry cleaners. Not good. Even worse, instead of sitting right behind the team and screaming at referees, Mark Cuban will now be sitting on Erick Dampier’s lap during games.
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Western Conference:
Northwest Division
By J. Hamel and T. Ryan
Utah Jazz
As tough as it was to say goodbye to legendary stalwart Greg Ostertag, Utah must find a way to move on.
Jerry Sloan enters his 48th year as head coach of Team Whitie. Led by Ivan Drago at small forward and two other European starters, this team figures to do what every country did to the U.S. team in the summer games -- drive everyone crazy by playing basketball the right way.
Good news: Bad news for the merchandising department but greeeat news for the team - Greg Ostertag retired.
Bad news: Carlos Boozer and his agent will concoct a way to somehow screw over the entire team by putting Boozer’s interests first. Even worse, the rules of the Kirilenko household have not been made federal laws.
Portland Trailblazers
Despite a strong divide within the organization, most outsiders feel it's a good thing that talks have ceased with both Knight and ODB Jr's son.
With the majority of their players released from incarceration at Oz in time for the season, coupled with promising rookies, the Blazers should see an improvement on their 21 wins and 16 arrests from last year. With that said, how the Blazers didn’t trade up with Sacramento to pluck the budding Douby, Quincy Douby that is, is mind-boggling.
Good news: Old school coach Nate McMillan has canceled the private workout scheduled for Old Dirty Bastard Jr. Even better, Zach ‘Captain Insane-o’ Randolph hasn’t beaten or threatened any teammates…yet.
Bad news: Team artist Ted Wesley’s submission of a new NBA logo containing the silhouette of a handcuffed player behind bars has not made it to Stern’s desk for consideration yet. Even worse, due to prior commitments and countless shady deals already in place, Suge Knight will not be taking over as team President.
Minnesota Timberwolves
This looks like the last chance for the T-Wolves to win with Kevin Garnett before he demands a trade to Miami, Phoenix, Detroit or Cleveland to help lead them to a championship. McHale went ahead and overpaid for a shoot first PG in the last year of his contract on one of the worst teams in the league. Always a savvy move.
Good news: Kevin McHale’s legendary armpit hair has been cleared by Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, of harboring dirty bombs.
Bad news: How can a T-Wolves report go without mentioning the Crazy as Bat Shit trio of Eddie Griffin, Marc Blount and Ricky Davis? All three of these loons are prominently involved – I am sure this is bad news for the fans but great news for the Hernia. We will keep you posted.
Denver Nuggets
Coach George Karl found a way to press the right buttons and wear some sweet warm-ups last season. ‘Mello’ has a newfound maturity, and it could be traced to his calming influence – MTV world news, current event, RWRR challenge host and network chief political scientist - La-La.
Good news: Long rumored to be on the trading block – rebounding FORCE, defensive stopper, nip slip voyeur, and payroll bargain Kenyon Martin is coming back. The Hernia is perplexed how the Knicks couldn’t get a deal done for this all around good guy and franchise linchpin.
Bad news: Nene’s good luck ritual is giving diminutive PG Earl Boykins atomic wedgies during halftime of close games.
Seattle Supersonics
The looks of a young Bill Walton – the tattoos of a blind 16-year old street hood.
Really, is there anything to report? Player A is about to finish up his prime years playing for a once proud franchise surrounded by young players and castoffs? Wait, is this the Celtics team synopsis? Where am I?
Good news: Assistant coach Jack “my moves at the disco were” Sikma is working with raw big man Robert Swift – did someone turn up the heat in here?
Bad news: : In an effort to get some much-needed attention, Danny Fortson has demanded his teammates call him Deebo while stealing their pocket money and jewelry.
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Western Conference:
Pacific Division
By T. Ryan
Los Angeles Lakers
Rumors have been circulating that Kobe actually asked permission to wear Mr. Race's old crown and cape but was turned down by Vince McMahon.
Kobe Defiant and his motley group of cast-offs attempt to recover from the full-fledged ass kicking Phoenix handed them in game 7 of the playoffs last year. However, a determined and courageous off-season courting period by GM Mitch Kupchak landed them free agent prize, Shammond Williams. Better not wait ‘til the last minute to get those parade permits from City Hall.
Good news: During starting line-up introductions at home games and possibly road games with league approval, Kobe Bryant will be escorted to the court wearing a crown and cape similar to WWF great ‘King’ Harley Race.
Bad news: Any time Chris Mihm is your starting center, you know you’ve got issues. Even worse, Mihm now has sidekicks Jordan Farmer and Vladimir Radmonavic to tear it up with at the Standard Hotel.
Phoenix Suns
The high powered offense of the Suns returns fully loaded this year led by Steve ‘I can make the crappiest player look good’ Nash, freakish pogo stick Shawn Marion, and former Hawk-turned-All-Star, Boris Diaw. Does it really matter who else is coming back? Let’s just hope team enforcer Raja Bell will pick up where he left off. All the trash talking, vicious elbows, and general disrespect towards Diva Bryant was a breath of fresh air.
Before Flowbee debacle and after Flowbee debacle.
Good news: If Amare Stoudemire doesn’t fully recover from his knee injuries, they can always pick up Oliver Miller and Sharone Wright who would hop out of their coffins, instantly lose 40 pounds, and become immediate All-Stars.
Bad news: Steve Nash shaved his head and has quickly gone from uber hipster to an extra on Alien Nation. No truth to rumor he shaved it with a Flowbee. Even worse, Nash will not be getting 99% of the money Tim Thomas scored through free agency.
Los Angeles Clippers
“Are you ready for Maggette?”
The Clippers hope to build off a promising season led by savvy veterans Elton Brand and Mars native, Sam Cassell. The sky’s the limit if 103-pound toothpick Shaun Livingston can somehow avoid physical contact for the entire season. On the flip side, free agent acquisition Tim Thomas will no doubt be back to his awful self after cashing in and no longer playing in the Sun’s video game offense.
Good news: Corey Maggette said his infamous “Are you ready for Maggette?” line to over 16 gushing models last night at Sky Bar in L.A. Even better, Sam Cassell was behind him doing his patented ‘Big Nuts’ dance routine to the delight of everyone in the bar.
Bad news: Chris Kaman was stuck waiting in the dreaded line outside of Sky Bar and was unable to enjoy the antics going on inside.
Sacramento Kings
Brothers Maloof went out and got crazy this off-season. With the signings of undrafted rookies Eugene Jeter and Justin Williams that some have been calling heists, this team has clearly moved on from the loss of Bonzi Wells. Also, the addition of Loren Woods and his career 2.6 points and 10 back spasms per game should spell some much needed relief for hard working center Brad Miller.
Good news: Jason Hart has decided not to relinquish his important role as Ron Artest’s punching bag. Even better, fresh off his DUI, new stressed out coach Eric Musselman will be wearing a Jets duel-drinking helmet during the 4th quarter of every home game.
Bad news: Is there really such thing as bad news for the Maloofs?
Golden State Warriors
Nellie in March – after pulling a Spree on Baron Davis after another 3-17 night.
Old friend Don Nelson is back to run the Warriors. Long gone are old friends Mullin, Sprewell, Richmond and Hardaway. Now he looks forward to coaching the likes of Baron Davis, Jason Richardson and Mike Dunleavy.
Good news: Adonal Foyle has reportedly spent the off-season learning to play defense with his back to the team bench.
Bad news: Don Nelson’s first order of business is turning Mike Dunleavy into a Point Forward – ala his reclamation project Chris Mullin. Considering he has not proven that he can pass, handle the ball, play defense, shoot or be a leader – this sounds promising.
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