Sports Guy Accidentally References Time He Humped Bird Cutout

By: M. Noonan

LOS ANGELES – In the midst of a highly esoteric rant against the New York Knicks this week in his column on ESPN.com’s Page 2, Bill Simmons accidentally referenced the time he and his friend Sully simultaneously dry humped a Larry Bird cardboard cutout.

Simmons, known to his legion of Caucasian fans as The Sports Guy, was attempting to equate Knicks GM Isiah Thomas’s recent front-office moves with a hilarious moment in the SG’s life when the slip-up occurred.

“Honestly, the unintentional comedy of Thomas’s moves here is off the charts,” Simmons wrote in the column.  “Funnier than the Lakers mascot in the first Double Dribble game.  Funnier than that deleted scene in Rocky V you can find on the Criterion Collection DVD where Apollo somehow comes back to life. Every Knicks fan must have the same look of bewilderment on their faces that my mom had when she caught me and Sully dry humping that life-size Larry cutout.” 

The costly faux pas could have been corrected if Simmons didn’t adhere to a strict policy of running every single thought that enters his head in his ESPN column.  He did however express some remorse a few sentences later.

“Did I actually write that?  This can’t be good for anyone. Sportsgal is going to be horrified and Jimmy’s going to be jealous. I can see it all unfolding now, kind of like when everyone could see how drunk Donna was going to get at the prom in Episode IV, Season V of ‘Beverly Hills 90210.’