You’ll never do what Bird did

By Bill Walton

"There is nothing that you can do in your life that will come even remotely close to what Bird did. Even in you live to be 300 years old..."

Hey you reader, listen up. You may be able to read extraordinarily well, you might excel at your job, have a wonderful wife and three gorgeous healthy kids, but hear me now: you'll never do what Biiiird did...

Now, I know you probably graduated cumma sum laude from some top university, maybe even the likes of the glorious University of Arizona. You may have climbed the corporate ladder and claimed the corner office. Maybe you even drive a Chevy Tahoe, but c'mon, you'll never do what Bird did. Try throwing a whole city on your surgically repaired back and winning 3 NBA championships, then we'll talk...

I mean, have you even seen that game against the Atlanta Hawks when Larry was literally hitting shots all over the floor?! The bench of the opposing team was even cheering for him! There is nothing that you can do in life that will come even remotely close to that. Not even if you live to be 300 years old…

Now, I know you go on and on about the greatest moment in your life being "the birth of your children," but pleeease, I've HAD kids and it doesn't even compare to receiving an over-the-back, no-look pass from Larry Legend. Never mind having the Zen-like ability to actually throw one. By my calculations, Bird had roughly 5,345 of these passes, all of which were immeasurably more incredible than the birth of your offspring. So put that in your pipe and choke on it.

Listen, it goes without saying that I am perhaps one of the greatest Grateful Dead fans in all of history. What they did throughout their career, constantly touring and pushing the boundaries of music as we know it is simply unprecedented. The lyrics alone should be etched into a golden journal and placed not only in the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and in the majestic Experience Music Project, created by the visionary architect Frank Gehry, but it should also go alongside the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. But pleeeease, even Jerry would never be able to hold Larry's jock...

When I came to the Celtics in 1986, both of my feet had essentially been put through a meat grinder and my knees creaked like a 17th century Buccaneer ship. I was contemplating playing the season in a wheelchair before Larry Bird came into the training room one day and saved my career. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the table about to get a massage from the great Cheeko Salizar, the Celtics physical trainer and the preeminent deep tissue massage man of the 80s. Bird simply nodded to Cheeko to take a break and proceeded to talk to my joints, my muscles and my bones, threatening them to heal, OR ELSE. Within an hour I was completely healed, feeling a weightless sensation similar to that of descending the incredible Magic Mountain. The man healed my joints with his threats, I won 6th man of the year, and we went on to win the championship, all thanks to Larry's magic.

Don’t even attempt to top that because you will never, ever, not even in a hundred millennia, do what Biiiiiiiiird did.

As told to M. Noonan and A. Grady