ESPN: The Christmas Party

By: The Hernia Staff

A Hernia mole within ESPN attended the company holiday party last week and reported back to us via text messaging.  Read what transpired below:

8:15 – Stephen A. Smith loudly comments to no one that he's enjoying his mini burger.

8:17 – Special guest Craig Kilborn locks wrists with Dan Patrick as they commence a marathon name-dropping session, followed by college basketball stories.  This is going to be a long night...

8:20 – Dick Vitale wraps his self respect and gives it to Coach K as a gift.  Coach K replies, “Oh, this again?”

8:23 – Jay Bilas raves about his waiters "giant hands and tremendous length."

8:27 – Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons discuss the Dodgers possible pitching rotation for the 2009 season.

8:30 – After eating 80 wings, Chris Berman rumbles, stumbles and bumbles way into shitter, but doesn't make it to the end zone...

8:38 – Andy Katz sent home early by security after getting caught reading printouts of his own column to guests as they walk in.

9:01 – Ron "Jaws" Jaworski stuffs 30 pieces of shrimp in his mouth, one of which was John Clayton.

9:12 – Steve Phillips is caught telling Erin Andrews, "When I was a GM I used to drink eggnog like this and when I was a GM I used to do the Funky Chicken like this and when I was a GM I used to kiss under the mistletoe like this…"

9:18 – Chris Mortenson gives his first "Golic dump update" from outside his stall.

9:22 – Dee Brown's “no look” dunking of chicken wings gag gets old.

9:35 – Greg Anthony and Tim Legler pretend to be on their cell phones as Stephen A. Smith walks by.

9:41 – A freak rainstorm strikes, forcing everyone outside to take shelter under Mitch Albom's ears.

9:47 – Michael Irvin, Stuart Scott and Sterling Sharpe are mistaken for musical group The Time.

9:52 – A completely sober Sports Guy tries making out with David Stern.

9:53 - Partygoers mistake Lee Corso for Cheshire Cat, begin feeding him scraps.

9:58 – John Kruk arrives late, loosens up his tie, and checks three of his chins in the coat room.

10:01 – Digger Phelps busts out hi-liter orange-colored reindeer antlers and places on head.  Jay Bilas mutters under his breath "predictable."

10:04 – Steve Phillips decides to part his hair in the middle again, party erupts...

10:07 – Stuart Scott pops awkward boner while talking to guest Terrell Owens.

10:45 – An agitated Bob Ryan drops a glass of Early Times whiskey and says, "I can't take it anymore," making a B-line for the Sports Guy and just pummels him (NBA fans around the country rejoice).

10:48 – A clearly drunk Harold Reyonlds crashes the party and gropes every female within a second baseman's range (TheSportsHernia.com would like to note that Reynolds was that best thing about "Baseball Tonight."  We miss you Harold).

10:53 – Annual Stuart Scott vs. Steven a. Smith Blackoff commences, to see who can act blacker.

11:00 – A bombed Jayson Stark admits he's related to Ba Ba Booey from the Howard Stern Show.

11:02 to 11:02 and 23 seconds – Chud Ford and John Hollinger exchange wild sex stories.

11:07 – John Clayton found hanging from coat hanger in bathroom by underwear.

11:30 – Skip Bayless morphs into an angry hawk and flies off with Tim Kurkjian.

11:41 – Eric Karabell and his notorious fantasy guru posse get in line to play "Joe Namath kissing joke" with an understandably horrified Suzy Kolber.

11:58 – Joe Namath shows up and accidentally tells Ron Jaworski how much he wants to kiss him.

Midnight – Jim Gray, wearing an ESPN speedo, stops by Joe Namath's urinal to ask him about embarrassing kissing incident with Jaworski.

12:11am - Woody Paige turns the tables and playfully mutes Around the Horn host, Stat Boy, by violently shoving an empty scotch glass in his mouth.

12:17am – With no Roy Firestone in sight, Dennis Rodman waits to cry.

12:30 am – Bob Ley starts to broadcast "Outside the Lines: ESPN The Christmas Party."  Yet another 30 minutes of ESPN broadcasting that no one gives a shit about. 

1:28 am - Kirk Herbstreit tries to reheat leftover wings with his eyes. And succeeds...