Chad Ford's Mail Order Bride Fails to ‘Pan Out’

The stunning Svetlana before taking a liking to Chewy Bars

By: J. Hamel

CHECHNYA -- ESPN NBA Draft Guru has filed a lawsuit against a popular Internet mail-order bride company for false advertising.

The 37-year-old Ford has made a name for himself with his dead on predictions, meticulous scouting and top notch insights into NBA-bound college and foreign prospects. Ford began the courtship process on March 23^rd (coinciding with the NCAA Elite 8) after reading a success story during a cross-Atlantic flight to conduct some overseas scouting.

After reading about a number of success stories, Ford decided to give the international match-making service Volgagirl.com a chance. Ford says he was not only lured by the promise of a “subservient wife who has old-school values,” but also by the fact that upon landing in a remote province of Chechnya (to scout grainy videos of an elusive 17-year-old 6-foot 6-inch PG with a wingspan of a seven footer by the name of Vlatin Putchinakazhov) he was able to log onto the company’s Web site and scout out profiles of potential mates.

“I was lured by the promise of soul mates with long legs, soft hands around the glass, great footwork around the kitchen and freakishly strong birthing hips,” explained a dejected Ford from his hotel room in the grand Bahamas Islands - where he is scouting a shoot-first, 19-year-old seven footer that has only been playing basketball for 17 weeks named Aristotle ‘Coco’ Spitjack.

After signing on with an initial signing bonus of 10,000 American dollars Ford was summoned to the company’s corporate headquarters in Albany, N.Y., where he was able to view black-and-white beta cam videos of potential mates. “I was able see how they interacted with each other in various simulated household chores and watch 10 minute interview sessions where they spoke about their hopes, dreams and prominent household skills. Within an hour I was immediately drawn to an 18-year-old blue chipper named Svetlana. She was almost too good to be true. She was 5-foot-11 with long arms that were evident in the video as she demonstrated replacing a florescent light bulb while standing flatfooted,” explained a visibly dejected Ford.

Chad Ford in happier times with two brother-in-laws Boris and Drago

After nearly two days of email and video cam courtship, Ford flew to Slovakia and married his blue chip bride. After a brief honeymoon they flew back to Ford’s home in Virginia to soak up the wedding bliss – or so it seemed. “Within a week all Svetlana did was lie on the couch and watch Dr. Phil, The Home Shopping Club and Telemundo – she doesn’t even speak Spanish. On top of that she went back on her promise to learn how to speak basic English. All she wanted to do was watch television all day and eat my Chewy bars. She was really in my dog house. She didn’t work on developing any of her skills around the house. She really failed to live up to her promise and the lofty expectations that I placed on her. I won’t even go into her lack of aggressiveness in the bedroom. She was disappointingly timid and indifferent in that department.”

Within two months, Ford had seen enough and contacted Volgagirl.com and asked to have them take her back and void the marital contract based on false advertising. Volgagirl.com refused to cooperate with Ford noting the difficulty they had in buying her out of her contract with another foreign matchmaking agency that she had originally signed with as a 14-year-old.

Svetlana has since moved out and began working as a dancer/massage therapist to support herself. Ford meanwhile continues to nurse the wounds of rejection.

As he sat in the hotel lobby (which was hosting the Miss USA Best Legs, Ass and Bikini Championships) all he could do was lament on a missed opportunity, “Listen, for a young guy like me it is not easy to meet women. I mean, I had really high expectations for Svetlana but I guess I am just going to have to keep looking. I have heard there are some really great prospects working for some outfits specializing in women from the Far East.”