Kirk Herbstreit Emerges From Secret Lab With ‘Perfect’ Shirt to Match His Eyes

By: M. Noonan

BACKWOODS, Ohio – Weeks before ESPN launches its first College GameDay of the season, analyst Kirk Herbstreit was discovered passed out eight miles outside the Ohio State campus, clutching what could be the perfect blue shirt to wear onscreen.  

Herbstreit springs to life, thanks to dazzling new shirt

A pack of rabid thirtysomething women were dispatched to find Herbstreit, the ESPN analyst, former Ohio State quarterback and uncanny assmagnet.  Clad in a dirty wool cloak covered in foliage, a black trucker hat and heavily bearded, Herbstreit would have been stranded and left for dead if not for his piercing blue eyes, police said.

“Another two, three hours, GameDay really would have suffered,” Sergeant Bill Gorski said.  “Luckily these aging sluts locked in on his baby blues like the North Star.”

Herbstreit was apparently locked in his secret underground laboratory somewhere in the backwoods of Ohio, furiously working to concoct a long-sleeve button-down shirt the perfect shade of blue to match his eyes.  Judging from his vitals, doctors said the former QB had gone weeks without food or water, running on nothing but pure desire to get the precise hue.

Renowned scientist and Ohio State Professor Dr. John Whelan said the shirt should be burned immediately, for fear of what it could do in high-definition television.

“If I’m looking at what I think I’m looking at,” Whelan said, wiping sweat from his brow, “this shirt and Kirk’s majestic ocular pigmentation could ignite a fire in the loins of stay-at-home wives equal to an explosion of a nearby supernova.”

After several hours of Arctic Cool Gatorade and old game footage, Herbstreit was nursed back to stable condition and spoke for the first time in nearly 8 months.

“I suffer for my craft,” he muttered weakly.  “Some say ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul.’ In my case, they’re the battering rams to the vagina.”