|
Keith Hernandez and his mustache.
Height: Short but lavish
Weight: Strong enough to put the Mets on his back
Hair: Groundbreaking
Teams: Cardinals, Mets
Stats: Undefinable on a piece of paper
Responsible for giving inspirational locker room speeches and known for sporting one of the grittiest gamefaces we've seen to date, this mustache was the first irreplaceable non-human game changer. Whether it be intercepting steal signs from opposing teams, or sheer intimidation through it's glistening, magical presence, Keith's manstache brought a unique intangible to the table that only magnified what Hernandez himself brought to the game. After Keith retired, the resilient mustache went on to play three more productive years (sans Keith) in the Mexican league. Much to the dismay of countless baseball fans across the country, a Subway Mustache Series between Hernandez and Don Mattingly never came to fruition.
Comparable athlete in another sport: Larry Bird's mullet, Sam Elliot's mustache
Career highlights:
- Spent three consecutive weeks at the Playboy mansion with Keith and Rollie Fingers' mustache
- Threw the first punch in the spring training Strawberry fight of '89
- Ran circles around Jeff Bagwell's goatee in the Facial Hair All-Star Olympics
- Had a brief fling with Cheryl Tiegs in 1982
- Legendary showdown with Dale Earnhardt’s mustache is still, to this day, the biggest money-maker in Pay-Per-View history
- To this day, simply refuses to go gray
Career lowlights:
- Being caught on tape with tobacco stuck in-between whiskers #1,322 and 1,323
- Verbally abusing and taunting Cardinals fans upon triumphant return to St. Louis
Interesting life facts:
- Ray Knight never once looked directly at it, for fear that it would stray him from Christianity
- Beat Sal Fasano in a pizza eating contest
- Fathered WWF's Jimmy Hart
- Boned Elaine from Seinfeld and then porked every female at NBC studios; Jerry Seinfeld is still jealous
- Introduced Axl Rose to Stephanie Seymour
(By: Hernia Staff)
|
|
|
