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A List of Toilet BowlsBy: M. Noonan and B. Weiss The Sports Hernia staff sat down to look at this year’s upcoming bowl season on a whim, to see if there were any stories hidden in there. The following is what they came up with: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia The bowl season get started off with this total piece of shit, there is a name of a flower in the title of this bowl game. Is this for real? These two joke teams are going to get bowl dollars from a flower, but I guess at least it’s a poisonous flower. I think I will be watching some shitty sitcoms on CBS that night, thank you very much. Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas There are too many jokes to even mention in this bowl game. First off, kudos to the bowl selection committee for sending a bunch of Mormons and stoners to Vegas for a bowl game, this will cut the arrests by half. BYU playing in the Pioneer PureVision Bowl is not fair, because in the 1800s when some innocent Pioneers passed through Salt Lake City on their way to the West Coast, Brigham Young ordered for the whole caravan to be slaughtered (this is true history), so needless to say, Oregon is going to get crushed. R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl Are these Division I teams? Or is it two high school bullies about to square off in the parking lot. Insert image from Weird Al’s “Eat It” video, break out the rubber chicken, this is going to be a grudge match. I will file this under, “Who gives a shit.” Papajohns.com Bowl This bowl is not even sponsored by Papa John’s, it is sponsored by their Web site. So, let me get this straight, a shitty pizza joint’s Web site is putting up dough for this bowl, that is just great, and to top it off, they have invited two equally crappy teams. I feel the indigestion already. I hope by South Florida and East Carolina, they mean that these two teams are somewhere in the fucking Ocean. Hold the anchovies on this shitpie. New Mexico Question: How does New Mexico get to play a bowl game in New Mexico? Answer: Who fucking cares. Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Can someone please tell me what Bell Helicopter Armed Forces is? Is this some private army I am not aware of, and if so, can they win the war in Iraq? Maybe this is a subsidiary of Halliburton, if that is the case, I am sure the team with the lowest bid, I mean score will win this game. Sheraton Hawaii This game is actually being played inside a Sheraton hotel with Axel Rose as the referee. Motor City Holy shit, what a fucking barn burner this is going to be. Middle Tennessee going up to Detroit to get car-jacked by Central Michigan in the Motor City bowl. Boy, the kids at Middle Tennessee must be excited to get out of bum-fuckville and head to beautiful city of Detroit. If Middle Tennessee knew this would be their fate, I would bet American dollars they would have purposely lost a couple more games. What a reward for a 7-5 season! Emerald Emerald? This is the name of a bowl game? Emerald? Like the forest? How fucking queer. I hope Sir Douchesalot can pull the dildo out of that stone. What the fuck am I talking about? PetroSun Independence Now we’re talking. Sun, oil and independence. I can get behind this. Pacific Life Holiday I will bet my Pacific Life Insurance policy that this game doesn’t sell out. Makes me glad there are 60 bowl games and no playoff system. Texas Texas, that is all you need for this, not even Texas Bowl, just Texas. What an ego on that Republic, Jesus, just fucking secede already. We get it, Texas is big and does it’s own thing. Secede and you deal with the illegal immigrants. The Cinderella story of the Big East gets rewarded with a trip to the worst city in Texas (which basically makes it the worst city in America) to play Kansas State, awesome. Gaylord Hotels Music City “YEEEHAW! Well gosh darn, this them there a football game. I canit wait to watch me Tigers play dem Wildcats from the country up north. This is gunna be some real war fair, just like the war again, confederates vs. da slave lovin’ north! Wait, it is the what bowl? Da Gaylord who music, well fuck dat, dem fucking gays trying to take over football, I’m going to get me a shotgun and kill all the….” Brut Sun Brut Sun, that sounds like a gay porn dude’s name. Do people read these names before they send them out? “Um, yeah, Brut Sun, sounds great, now let me go watch some gay porn.” “Oh, one more thing, let’s invite two mediocre teams to this gay bowl, they won’t get teased by their peers.” I will be ordering six strookers to watch this game with me, just to keep heteroness in the air. AutoZone Liberty I can get behind this one too. Auto, zones and liberty. Now we’re talking? Insight Here is some insight, skip this crap game. Champs Sports Did I read that correctly? Champs Sports is sponsoring a bowl game? That is a sneaker store, right? That is prestigious, what is next, the Screech Saved by the Field Goal bowl? Maryland and Purdue should be proud to play in this shit-bowl Meineke Car Care Navy went 9-3 this year and played two ranked teams and got smoked, so this looks like a fair match-up. I hope Meineke tunes up Navy’s bus, because it will be started early in this game. All I’ll say about this one is that it is a waste of HD. That shit doesn’t grow on trees you know. Can we replace this with the Lingerie Bowl? Alamo Every fan with a pulse receives a complimentary rifle and coonskin cap. Chick-fil-A Well I be darned, two good southern teams battling it out to be named the king of the Chick-fil-a Bowl, isn’t that great. I wonder if the schools will get free lunches instead of real money. Also known as the Fat-ass Bowl. MPC Computers Can someone tell me what MPC computers are? I know of Dell, IBM, MAC, but MPC? Wait a second, why does Miami get into a bowl, they sucked ass this season and then fired their coach. I know why, they are playing Nevada, a formidable team, in a exciting computer bowl. They should just play this on Xbox and be done with it. Outback Do I even need to insert a joke for this one? AT&T Cotton AT&T Cotton? Did they just put a bunch of commodities and sponsors in a blender and see what happened? Others to come out of that same blender included Cablevision Soybean, DishNet Corn and Comcast Pork. Toyota Gator I thought the only Asian reptile was a fierce red dragon. Rose Bowl presented by Citi Who here wants to see these Hollywood pussies get their asses handed to them by Michigan? Who's with me! Tostitos Fiesta Someone who got it right – Tostitos sponsoring the Fiesta Bowl. And Oklahoma’s playing in it. Those poor assholes from Boise don’t have a blue field this time and don’t stand a chance. Allstate Sugar See AT&T Cotton above. Tostitos BCS Championship Game Glad they are squeezing this game in before the Super Bowl, I personally think Ohio State should wait another 50 days before they play this game. |
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