Redskins Sign Couch-Jumping Hobbit, Tom Cruise

Redskins savior, Tom Cruise.

by Hernia Staff

Daniel M. Snyder and his investor group took the obvious and logical step of signing Tom Cruise to a two-year deal, days after the centaur-chested actor was dropped from Paramount pictures.

Hernia sources learned a glib Snyder, blown away by Cruise's near-perfect moves in 1983's "All the Right Moves," signed the midget sparkplug to a 2-year deal as a player/team exec that gives him 'creative control' on all football matters.

According to reports, the always eager Cruise immediately reported to the Washington Redskins training camp facilities, thanks to a midnight flight piloted by John Travolta.

Under terms of the deal, the deluded spitfire will see significant playing time at QB, cornerback, running back and punt returner, and has requested 5 minutes during every halftime to give the team an emotional speech. Redskins fans can also expect endzone celebrations to feature couches, a shrine to Xenu and just complete and utter freakouts.

Cruise's infectious positivity has caught on like cosmic solar flares in the locker room. Half the team is already off Ritalin, heroin, postpartum depression medication and old Brooke Shields' movies, while offensive lineman Jon Jansen has grown 4 inches since T.C. helped him kick Mountain Dew. The newfound attitude is most apparent in Clinton Portis, the injured star running back who can now been seen in the hallways regularly cocking his head back and laughing maniacally.

Players union head, Gene Upshaw said he was pleased with the signing, saying that it could help the cause for guaranteed contracts since many Thetans are impervious to injuries or illnesses.

Other changes the Cruise Missle has instituted include:
- Outside of the helmets will feature feathered hair for a sheek, hipper look
- Half the games to be played in slo-motion, for effect
- Playbook replaced with Dianetics
- Danny Masterson to spin at team functions
- Fat chick from "King of Queens" to eat Nathan's hot dogs in-between quarters
- Drunk tanks replaced with recruitment centers
- Signing of hipster/slacker Beck as WR
- QB Jason Campbell promoted to starter because of his grasp of the intricacies of Al Saunders' offense and his recent ascension to Thetan IV
- Beer at stadium replaced with barley water
- FedEx Field renamed Battlefield Earth