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HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - As the 2006 football season fastly approaches, Hernia sources have scoured the nation flooding each and every training camp pestering any coach, executive, or hot female intern for the latest juice, gossip, and ridiculous tidbits about your favorite teams. Without further ado, it's the Hernia's 1st Annual NFL Preview.
NFC South
Carolina Panthers
The Panthers look to regroup this year after a disastrous playoff loss to Seattle in which pumpkin-pie haircutted QB Jake Delhomme guzzled 43 Red bulls before kickoff, en route to an overexcited 11 INT performance. However, Carolina should be in contention again as long as Delhomme can get Steve Smith and free agent signee, Keyshawn Johnson, the damned ball. His new Waterboy-to-English translation guide should also help him communicate better with the offense.
Good news: Coach John Fox has designated three extra lockers for Keyshawn Johnson’s ego.
Bad news: Starting RB DeShaun Foster has scheduled his first injury for Week 3.
Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta looks to get over the hump after a disappointing 2005 season but with questionable WRs and an offense that seems to disappear in big games, this season could quickly be headed for a meltdown. Let’s hope Jim Mora Jr. can channel his father when shit hits the fan at press conferences.
Good news: Alge “The Butt” Crumpler continued his off-season eating program.
Even better news, team also installed custom steel beamed sideline benches for Alge.
Bad news: Starting QB Michael Vick is still 6 feet tall and couldn't find a pocket if he were wearing parachute pants.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Coach Gruden’s squad looks to capitalize on their late surge in 2005 with silver-spoon privileged son and starting QB, Chris Simms, leading the charge. Look for Cadlliac Williams to average 900 carries a game.
Good news: Retired QBs, Steve Young and Phil Simms plan to mud wrestle before the home opener to settle differences over Phil’s son, Chris. Even better news, Coach Gruden plans to finally take that enormous dump that's been causing the Chucky Face all these years.
Bad news: Gruden will continue fly separately from the team on Hooters Air. Worse, he will also continue refer to his running backs arms as ‘big ‘ole pipes’ as well as uncomfortably refer to them as ‘giant studds’.
New Orleans Saints
Reggie Bush.
Good news: Reggie Bush.
Bad news: They're the Saints.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles
Forget Santa Claus being pelted with snowballs, unless McNabb shakes the T.O. stomach virus it’s probably in Santa’s best interest to steer clear of Philly altogether, particularly the huddles -- could be messy. In worse news, RB Stephen Davis is apparently eager to sign with the Eagles and join the IR party certain to already include Brian Westbrook, Todd Pinkston, and Correll Buckhalter.
Good news: Amazing foresight on the part of team owner Jeffrey Lurie for expanding the stadium’s ‘drunk tank’ wing. With the departure of WR Terrell Owens, this thing will be filling up in record numbers each and every Sunday. Cheers. Even better news, Andy Reid’s bet to coach a game in a pair of tights if T.O. scores 15 or more touchdowns in a season, is thankfully now void. Phew.
Bad news: Mark Walberg is actually their #2 wide receiver.
Washington Redskins
Owner Daniel Snyder has his fingers crossed that this is the year wasting $50 million on crappy free agents finally pays off. While still paying players such as Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders might seem risky, given that they don't play for the team anymore, Snyder is convinced it wil all pay off in the end. Expect him to be hit in the head with a Tuba from the Redskins band no later than Week 9 and for Joe Gibbs to speed off on the Undertaker's Harley at no less than 80mph.
Good news: 46-year old starting QB Mark Brunell still has both arms.
Bad news: Due to height restrictions, Washington's wide receivers were not allowed on the Batman ride at the team's recent ‘Family Fun Day’ at Six Flags.
Dallas Cowboys
Not much of a story here as humble, no-frills wide receiver, Terrell Owens makes his Irving debut alongside happy-go-lucky coach Bill Parcells. Should be a quiet season for the Cowboys, with most of the focus being on the X’s and O’s.
Good news: Jerry Jones debuted aviator sunglasses this preseason.
Bad news: Tory Aikman will not be throwing the ball to Terrell Owens. Worse, cement-footed QB Drew Bledsoe has not yet been granted permission to use a Segway Human Transporter during games.
New York Giants
The Giants off-season was particularly fragile this year as both Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan tried to prove they weren't gay. Tiki's creepy smile and off-broadway stints, and allegations from Strahan's wife that he was attached to a "handsome doctor” took it’s toll on the organization. Needless to say, they’re ready for the season to start.
Good news: Tom Coughlin moved training camp to the Walkhill Correctional Facility prison grounds in upstate New York where he hopes the cement field and awful atmosphere will help toughen up a very distracted football team.
Bad News: Jeremy Shockey is currently hitting on your daughter or in bed with your wife.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals
Newly acquired Edgerrin James looks to give the storied Cardinals franchise a much needed lift in the running game. Insiders say Edge’s gold teeth combined with the strong Arizona sunrays may be the x-factor as opposing defenders will now have to fight off the blinding reflection while in pursuit of the crafty running back.
Good news: Matt Leinart hasn’t been involved in a cheerleader scandal yet..
Bad news: The Cardinals play their home games on the ASU campus.
St. Louis Rams
Rams went out and spent lavishly to bring in new defensive coordinator Jim Haslett and his patented losing ways; expect terrible things on that side of the ball. Battle for the back-up QB role between notorious head-butter/bonehead Gus Frerotte and your local bartender Ryan Fitzpatrick, should be electric.
Good news: Mike Martz will now have the privilege of driving Detroit Lions fans crazy. Even better, recently hired hot dog vendor, Gary Fritzco has expressed positive enthusiasm on Rams’ message boards.
Bad news: Mrs. Frerotte has yet to call into St. Louis radio to state her husband’s case as the #2 QB.
San Francisco 49ers
Aside from the report that quarterback Alex Smith has ‘small hands’ following him signing his 80-year contract, things are looking great in San Francisco.
Good news: Former team owner, Eddie DeBartolo, had a ‘big night’ in Vegas last week. Even better, enormous rookie tight end Vernon Davis plans to eat QB Alex Smith if he doesn’t get him the ball enough.
Bad news: In lieu of a speech, an out-of-his-mind Jerry Rice will do the electric slide at his halftime jersey retirement ceremony in November. Worse, Pedro Gomez will be doing the electric slide alongside him.
Seattle Seahawks
Head walrus Mike Holmgren slept off the Super Bowl loss in Paul Allen's life-size Mocha Cappuccino jacuzzi this off-season while foolish tight end Jerramy Stevens contemplated new ways to antagonize superior players in 2006. On the bright side, starting QB Matt Hasselbeck has already planned exciting weekend getaways in Weeks 11 and 15 when they face Division 1-A San Francisco.
Good news: Sean Alexander’s bright white teeth are an early favorite to take out defending white strips champion, Tiki Barber.
Bad news: According to Hernia sources, legendary manager Mr. Fuji has been charged with contract tampering after offering Samoan star linebacker Lofa Tatupu a lucrative 10-year deal with the WWE.
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings
2006 marks the departure of the Whizzinator, Daunte Culpepper, and the Sex Cruise, but excitement is still running wild at Vikings camp as fans and coaches alike await the finale of the epic ‘Jimmy Kleinsasser - Jermaine Wiggins’ starting tight end battle.
Good news: No one has gotten arrested this week.
Bad news: Pending league approval, Mike Tice will remain with the team as Director of Ticket Sales.
Green Bay Packers
Same old story here in Green Bay: brats, cheese, and live broadcasts of Brett Favre taking a dump.
Good news: Team doctors confiscated bottle of ‘crazy pills’ from Brett Favre’s locker after he stated to the media this year’s Packer team is “the most talented I’ve ever been a part of.”
Bad news: Brett Favre enters his 16th season at starting QB and 2nd in a row as horrible QB.
Chicago Bears
After doing minor roster tweaking during the off-season, aside from demoting last year's 10-game winner Kyle Orton to third string QB behind Rex Grossman and dog-tripping-drunk Brian Griese, the Bears look to roll through their horribly bad, unexciting division.
Good news: Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael plans to hit Bears nemesis Steve Smith in the back with his patented steel briefcase if a Panthers-Bears playoff rematch becomes a reality.
Bad news: Brian Urlacher tweaked his hamstring while plowing through 16 car show models in Vegas.
Detroit Lions
The crappy Detroit Lions organization returns to the NFL for another year, much to the dismay of anyone who enjoys watching football. Team president and shining star, Matt Millen hopes to continue waving that magic wand that has brought so much genuine adoration from the wonderful fans in Detroit. It’s no wonder the Lions decided to give him that 5-year contract extension. After all, anyone who storms into the locker room of the opposing team and calls one of their players a “faggot”(he called Johnnie Morton a “faggot” after losing to the Chiefs) clearly knows what he’s doing. That 21-59 record during his 5-year regime was just icing on the cake.
Good news: The Lions continued to emphasize depth at wide receiver this off-season after setting an NFL record by drafting 19 straight wide receivers; two of which were unaware they were drafted until late last week. This abundance, however, will allow Mike Martz to run his dream "10-wide Offense" on 3rd down.
Bad news: A former Bengal back-up takes over at QB. Worse, Matt Millen refuses to pick the wing sauce out of his mustache.
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AFC East
New York Jets
NY reporters and fans will have the honor of being in Chud Pennington's presence for one more year. Unfortunately, the pouty little cherub face will likely be holding a trapper keeper on the sideline by week 4.
Good news: Pennington finally grew pubes this off season.
Bad news: Gone is Jason Fabini, and 117 lbs. of back fat.
Buffalo Bills
The franchise turned back the clock and hired 70-something icon Marv Levy. His first order of business was combing the USFL rosters for potential free agents.
Good news: Starting RB Willis McGahee reportedly throws the best parties in the NFL.
Bad news: Starting QB JP Losman’s invites have repeatedly been ‘lost in the mail’.
Miami Dolphins
Nick Saban is the undisputed captain of this ship, and he is looking forward to smooth sailing with first mate Dante Culpepper who proved his sea legs on the healing waters of Lake Minnetonka.
Good news: Jason Taylor’s pending divorce from Zach Thomas’s sister makes the stunningly handsome DE the city of Miami’s most eligible bachelor.
Bad news: His former brother-in-law (painfully awkward), squatty meat puppet Zach Thomas is his primary wingman.
New England
QB Joe Montana is looking to lead his team to the promised land again this season. Though the team may have lost some big time producers on the both sides of the ball, the addition of Martin “Kazoo” Gramatica ensures that team owner Robert Kraft has someone to put on the cover of the media guide.
Good news: Bill Belicheck has signed a deal with Zubaz to bring the elastic waist man-pant-slacks back into NFL vogue.
Bad news: Tully Banta-Cain is not a prominent character in Revenge of the Sith, but in the Pats’ rotation mix at LB.
AFC South
Houston Texans
After wisely passing up on clear No. 1 pick Reggie Bush, firing their GM, and selling former starting RB Dominick Davis’ knees on eBay, it’s all gravy from here on out for the Texans. Expect a collective atomic fart from the offensive line to kill David Carr on the spot and fold the franchise by Week 6.
Good news: David Carr has fired his stylist in favor of famed Hollywood shearer, Jonathan Antin.
Bad news: Texans have sold 6 season ticket plans since drafting Mario Williams.
Indianapolis Colts
Notorious firecracker Tony Dungy attempts to take battle-tested Peyton Manning and the troops back to the championship game for his 25th career ‘championship game appearance ring.’
Good news: Peyton’s acting chops and classy loser role continue to shine in MasterCard’s ‘priceless’ commercials.
Bad news: Peyton Manning may not have recovered from the tombstone pile-driver delivered to him by center Jeff Saturday after Manning threw his O-line under the bus following the AFC Championship loss to Pittsburgh. Worse, Edge took all the ho’s with him to Arizona.
Jacksonville Jaguars
A team of no names on defense and a quarterback that breaks in half every time he takes a snap. If nothing else, Byron Leftwich and fellow gigantic human David Garrard can kick the crap out of any 1-2 QB combo in the league.
Good news: Coach Jack Del Rio and assistant coaches will be using Playstation 2 controllers from the sideline so they can throw last second blocks, when needed, to improve the protection of often-killed QB Byron Leftwich.
Bad news: Fred Taylor is said to be so irate over DeShaun Foster scheduling his first injury for week 3 that he has gone ahead and planned for his groin to fall off on the opening snap in week 1.
Tennessee Titans
Jeff Fisher and his embattled NASCAR mullet/mustache attempt to move on after a messy breakup with long-time mangled mess, Steve McNair.
Good news: Custom playbook made for rookie Vince Young contains only pictures and happy/sad smiley face stickers. Even better, Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be borrowing coach Fisher’s mustache for this Sunday’s Brickyard 500.
Bad News: LenDale White plans to eat RBs Chris Brown and Travis Henry to seal his position as starting running back.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
With Jerome Bettis taking his bus to the NBC food spread, several questions are left unanswered as the 2006 season takes off, the foremost being: Will the Steelers beat their previous record of 673 awkward homo-erotic face-to-face man embraces on the sidelines this year?
Good news: Several couches and Lazy Boys have been freed up in the players lounge due to the departure of Jerome Bettis' gut.
Bad news: Major goof on the equipment staff's decision to store footballs in Ben Roethlisberger's cheeks during the off-season. It's left the quarterback "very puffy" as one unidentified teammate put it, and the chipmunk looking QB lists that - and that alone - as his biggest obstacle to overcome heading into the regular season.
Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals’ figure to get more exposure this year after a great season in ‘05, unfortunately most of that will be on episodes of COPS and Court TV. No truth to the rumor that Doug Leweland has been stationed outside of the Bengals locker room since training camp opened.
Good news: Our country’s painstakingly slow-moving bureaucratic justice system.
Bad news: Several team members have recently tried to steal Chad Johnson’s teeth.
Cleveland Browns
The Browns have fallen apart since assembling a formidable team on Techmo Bowl 15 years ago. Look for them to suck some more.
Good news: Tim Couch, Gerrard Warren and Courtney Brown should come off the cap by 2009.
Bad news: Brave soldier Kellen Winslow hasn't been sent to Iraq yet.
Baltimore Ravens
Ravens coach Brian Billick, the Galileo of NFL offense, continues to orchestrate one of the most exciting passing attacks ever seen by human eyes. Expect new QB Steve McNair to take this offense to a 'Pink Floyd laser light show' level.
Good news: Ravens brass finally gave up on Kyle Boller after realizing 80-yard bombs don't work so well in the Red Zone.
Bad news: They replaced him with a guy has who has more ‘dings’ than a four-time loser junky begging for coffee money outside a methadone clinic.
AFC West
Denver Broncos
Mike Shanahan's arrogance has reached new heights with the naming of Rusty Fantano, a local Denver man whose legs have been amputated, as his new starting RB.
Good news: Shanahan squeaked by Skip Bayless in the "Angry Hawk-face Finals" in the off-season, surely adding to his already terrifying mystique.
Bad news: Jake Plummer's modified nickname of "The Hairy Snake" is Creeping then hell out of everyone.
San Diego Chargers
The Whale's Vagina Chargers rest their hopes on a second year QB whose first name is "Phillip".
Good news: Ownership splurged and purchased windshield wipers for Marty Schottenheimer's obscenely large glasses.
Bad news: Schottenheimer continues to ensure that LaDanian Tomlinson's legs will fall off by Week 9 with an impressive 75 carries per game.
Oakland Raiders
The Raiders continue to construct themselves like a moronic 6th grader picking a team of thugs at recess. Unfortunately referees, strategy and logic have gotten in the way for the past 20 years. Meanwhile, Al Davis' appeal for hits being legal 20 seconds after the play is over is still under review.
Good news: Countless losers outside of Oakland continue to wear your jerseys and paraphernalia in hopes they will be confused for their favorite rapper instead of the guy who still lives with his mom, eating Funyons and watching excessive amounts of ‘Blind Date’ every day.
Bad news: See 'Good News'.
Kansas City Cheifs
Self-aggrandizing jackass Herm Edwards gets a new batch of reporters to have bizarre condescending press conferences with.
Good news: Priest Holmes was cleared on all molestation charges from a former Chiefs ball-boy.
Bad news: Already known for his horrendous clock management, look for things to get even worse as it will take till about Week 8 for Edwards to realize he's not in the Eastern Time Zone anymore.
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