‘To the Baseball Hall of Fame voters, FUCK YOU, you uneducated pompous bastards,’

To the Baseball Hall of Fame voters, FUCK YOU, you uneducated pompous bastards, I would like to use your puny little heads as a tee ball stand. Get your goddamn votes straight and get Jim Kaat and Keith Hernandez in the Hall of Fame, you fuckwads.

Now I know these two have for the most part been forgotten by the assbag voters and the majority of the media as well, but lesser players have been voted into the Hall of Fame (i.e., Don Sutton and his white-man jerri curl), but what kills me is that these are the two best fielders ever at their positions and they get zero respect. If you’re going to let guys in specifically because they were wizards in the field, like Ozzie Smith and Brooks Robinson, it’s time to open the doors to these two unsung legends.

Hernandez is by far the best fielding first baseman ever, there is no two ways about it. Any respected baseball writer will tell you the same and he is not even on the ballot anymore. What the fuck is that all about? I guess having won 11 consecutive gold gloves, an MVP, two World Series rings, and having a sick fucking mustache and a batting average close to .300 isn’t good enough for the Hall of Fame.

I mean that is just a weak resume, right? You would think that in addition to the above mentioned stats his 129 game-winning RBI throughout his career could help, or even the seven times he batted over .300 in his career might be a nice feather in his cap. He also is the National League all-time leader in assists by a first baseman. And one last thing… what is it again... oh right: In 1985 he hit an MLB record 25 game-winning RBI. WHAT!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? That is retarded. So, he is the best fielder and is unbelievably clutch at the plate. Hmmmm... that sounds like a perfect first baseman to me. Oh, wait, he didn’t hit 500 home runs, I forgot, that is all the Hall voters care about. God I am so stupid.

What the shit am I thinking? If that isn’t good enough, then surely 283 wins, a career ERA of 3.45 and 16 gold gloves isn’t good enough. 16 GOLD GLOVES, you are reading that right, 16, that is fucking ridiculous. That is the most ever, more than Ozzie Smith (three more to be exact). Why the shit did Ozzie get in because of defense and not Kaat?

Smith’s career average was .262, which is mediocre at best. So what the Wizard did a couple of fuckin backflips here and there. Big deal. Go write in the cast of Cirque du Soleil then. Or that Chinese dude from “Ocean’s 11.” Kaat’s career ERA was 3.45 - that’s impressive. He is just shy of the 300 win plateau, but his gold gloves should make up for those 17 games he was shy. This is an outrage. The veteran’s committee better get their shit straight and vote Mr. Kaat in.

Have voters been captured by a bunch of Sleestacks?

I know you people will say it is unfair to compare Kaat to Smith because shortstop is the hardest fielding position on the diamond. Well what about pitching nine innings and keeping your team in the game and still fielding almost flawlessly in a time when small ball still existed and fielding was a major factor in games? Can I mention 16 Gold Gloves again, most players careers don’t last 16 years. Have the voters been captured by a bunch of Sleestacks and haven’t seen a game in 40 years?

But excuse me for just looking at stats, this is baseball and they really do mean nothing, right? Kaat pitched in the same era as Gibson and Koufax, who were first ballot Hall of Famers, so obviously the Hall of Fame voters’ brains can handle thinking about more than a few players from that era. I am asking way too much. Kaat and Koufax faced off in the 1965 World Series with the Dodgers coming out on top. However, in Game 2 Kaat pitched a one-run complete game to out duel Koufax, which was one of the all-time great post-season games.

These are Hall-worthy accomplishments, but not to the pen-humping voters. Kaat was in the league when Gibson, Koufax and Drysdale were in their prime, so he gets ignored. What a load of cow dung, the voters really missed the boat on this, they should all get their cards revoked and sent to the Ass-Monkey Hall of Fame.

So, to you all you voters that had their thumb square up their asses while these two great players have passed you by, FUCK YOU! You really did a bang up job of leaving two players out of the most legitimate of all the sports’ Hall of Fames. People say baseball is all about numbers, well, you jerkoffs should go back to algebra class and learn the value of numbers. And while you are there, take a slide rule and shove it straight up your ass and please, immediately, get fucked.

Disclaimer:

Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his articles are delivered by a headless horseman