‘Hey Doug Collins, Fuck You’

You Max Hedroom looking mother fucker, fuck off and shove your microphone and head up your own ass and give me a “little” color commentary of your “little” rectum.

This guy is a goddamn joke of an announcer.  The diligent Sports Hernia reporters have pointed out Doug’s pension to reference Mr. Jordan about 50 times a telecast, however I want to expand on it some more.  It is so ridiculous – “Me and Michael”, “when I was coaching Michael”, “Michael this”, “Michael that.”  Okay. We get it.

You coached Michael Jordan.  People think Jordan is the best ever. We got it. You were his coach, and you call him Michael -- not Jordan. I got it the first 5,000 times you said it.  Give it up already. I would venture to guess that Jordan is not going around saying, “when Doug coached me the Bulls were awful and couldn’t win a title until Phil Jackson came aboard…” Well, maybe he is saying that.  So…just shut the fuck up about Michael already.

“Score the basketball.” This is a favorite catch phrase for Collins. Think about that for a second. Okay, you got it, now let’s see how he likes to use this phrase.  “You see, Dwayne Wade’s plan tonight is try to and score the basketball.”  Really, that is his plan?  I thought he was going to use the basketball as a topping at the Sundae bar in the pressroom.  I am completely shocked he wants to score the basketball.  All these years watching and playing basketball I thought I was supposed to use the basketball as a skateboard.  Maybe that is why I never made it to the NBA. I now know the difference between me and Wade.  “Score the basketball.” It is unfucking real that he gets paid to say this.  Next thing he is going to tell me is that I should breathe in oxygen instead of trying to bottle it and sell it to aliens.  Fucking moron.

 Then there is his favorite word, “little.”  Everything is little. A little jumpshot, a little baby hook (which is redundant), a little crossover. Everything is fucking little.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t NBA players large people with enormously bloated contracts? There is nothing little about this league. 

 “Dunkshot” is an actual word he uses, OFTEN.  What is a dunkshot?  Is it a dunk or a shot?  It can’t be both, you either dunk it or shoot it.  I don’t drive a carcycle, I don’t cook on a microstove.  Then he says a “Little dunkshot.” Am I losing my mind, a little dunkshot?  Where the fuck am I, the bizarre-o world?

 It’s not just the obvious comments he adds, he just has nothing to say about the game that means anything. When he is doing a Lakers game, it is awful. He talks about Kobe the whole fucking game, it is like he bought stock in Kobe’s life. It is nauseating.  I swear, if he had a dildo in his hand instead of a microphone and was in his house watching the Kentucky Derby he would be talking about Michael or Kobe or that shooting 50% from the free throw line is not a good percentage because you only make half your free throws.  He is a robot that adds no color to the game and never stops talking. He is a fucking joke and should do us all a favor and… JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP COLLINS!

Disclaimer:

Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his articles are delivered by a headless horseman