The Fuck You Corner would like to make some resolutions for the New Year

In 2007 I will pledge to do the following things:

1. I will not give an enormous fuck you to Barry Bonds if he passes Hank Aaron’s record, I might even congratulate him. He worked very hard keeping his body juiced to the nines with steroids, and he will deserve this great honor.

2. I will not drop a fuck you to Isiah Thomas when he leads the Knicks to three wins in the month of January and I will certainly not give James Dolan a fuck you either for ruining one of the most storied franchises in NBA history, that would just be wrong of me. There is no reason for me to get upset about the Knicks payroll being the same as the Red Sox (with half the players on the roster) and being the laughing stock of the NBA.

3. When Notre Dame gets smoked in the Sugar Bowl by LSU I will leave the BCS system alone for giving Notre Dame an automatic bid to a BCS game every year. They are off the hook, and have my blessing to continue to fuck up college football and the bowl season. I won’t even mind when they expand the BCS bowls to 16 games, and the total number of college bowl games to 96, so the Delaware Institute of Toxicology and almost every other Division 1 team can play in some crap ass bowl.

4. When June 24 rolls around and the Final game of the NBA playoffs is being played, with college football starting in a few weeks and NBA training camp just weeks away, I will leave David Stern alone for expanding the playoffs to seven games and spreading the playoffs out farther than Jenna Jameson’s legs. This will be completely fine with me even if young players such as Dwayne Wade will have to cut their career short because of all the playoff games they had to play. This is great for game of basketball.

5. I am even going to be big enough to leave Curt Schilling alone when Spring Training rolls around and he begins his year long monologue with the press about how the Yankees are the evil empire and how they spend all kinds of money. Apparently he hasn’t looked at his paychecks for the past 10 years, and the millions of dollars he has raked in as a hired gun, but I guess people who live in glass houses.

6. The NBA all-star game is in Vegas. Jesus, this is going to be a total disaster. Who’s bright idea was this? But I am going to be the bigger person and not say anything about the brain trust who put this weekend together, I am sure it will go very smoothly. How can anything go wrong in Vegas?

7. And finally, when that special time in the spring rolls around and this great nation gets all jazzed up for the WORST sporting event of the year, I will not drop f-bombs all over it. I will let the Kentucky Derby come and go and leave it alone, I won’t even mention the 200 hours of TV coverage leading up to an event that lasts less than two minutes, because that is just smart use of TV time. Then, following the race when some shitpile animal with a retarded name like Grandma’s Pantyhose wins the derby and ESPN begins to waste even more time talking about if that animal will win the Triple Crown, I will sit by idle and just let the events unfold. It won’t bother me one second that the sports nation will get wrapped up in the possibility of there being another Secretariat, which made ESPN’s top 25 athlete’s of the ESPN era, I am completely fine with all of this.

On second thought, I take it all back, fuck these dildos mentioned above. I am going to give them a preemptive FUCK YOU, you have been warned. If you assbags live up to my predictions then you deserve a Fuck You from every sports fan in this nation, you jokes of human beings, you fuckbags. Especially you horse loving freaks, they are fucking ANIMALS. Wake up, you fucking jockey-fuckers. Please find a secluded place, grab a shovel and dig a hole and then shove that shovel up your ass and just FUCK OFF already.

Disclaimer:

Big Bad Weiss, also known as BBW, hails from parts unknown and his articles are delivered by a headless horseman