Desperate Gary Bettman streaks naked through Times Square

Embarrassing publicity stunt draws minimal media buzz

By: T.Ryan, A. Grady

A clueless Naked Cowboy, blissfully unaware of Commissioner Gary Bettman and the NHL.

Embattled NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was arrested today after tearing off all his clothes during a press conference and streaking naked through midtown Manhattan.

The marsupial-faced commissioner, who is uncannily in touch with the average NHL viewer, had just announced the move of the Montreal Canadians to El Paso, Texas, and was midway through explaining a new rule making sticks illegal for all defensemen, when he suddenly went wildcat and ripped off all his clothes, revealing a smeared message on his back and ass that appeared to say “NHL on Versus! Tonight!” Sources say Bettman, dying to get the NHL back on the map, then began frantically hopping around the room, imploring a group of unimpressed cameramen to follow him, before tearing ass out onto Sixth Avenue.

Desperate, distraught and fueled on Red Bull and three packs of Razzles, Bettman sped down 47th Street and through Time Square at an alarming speed, causing a massive wave of terror. Many tourists, presuming that he was an escaped mental patient with nothing to lose, began screaming and sought shelter in a nearby Sbarro’s and Virgin Megastore.

Despite being ditched at the last minute by three intern accomplices who would have spelled out N-H-L on their bare chests, Bettman kept chugging, making his way all the way down to 42nd street, where several rabid Canadian tourists began berating him outside an overcrowded, buzzing Yankees Clubhouse store.

Suffering from a severe case of shrinkage and sensing that his flesh-dash was losing steam, Bettman then stole a cell phone from a woman standing in line for “The Lion King” and called local sports radio station WFAN in one last pathetic attempt to get some attention. The call was short-lived though, as the woman alerted a giant police van conveniently filled with 25 officers in full riot gear, leading to an impressive two-sided spear tackle by the NYPD.

In the end, poorly applied body paint and a lack of strong vocal chords left Bettman’s naked stunt with much to desire, providing little media interest to the NHL, the sagging-boob of professional sports.