Mark Messier inducted into Bone Zone Hall of Fame

Messier clearly overwhelmed by the recognition for what he called his "greatest achievement in life."

By: Hernia Staff

NHL legend and longtime ass-crushing coochie connoisseur, Mark Messier, was inducted into the Bone Zone Hall of Fame Saturday in an emotional 3-hour ceremony in which “The Captain” broke down on several occasions, profusely thanking all the ladies he porked along the way that made the historic day possible.

The former Oilers, Canucks and Rangers pussy-splitting forward has led an almost mythical journey through the bone zone, banging the likes of Madonna, a young Tyra Banks and supermodel Frederique, all while maintaining his mind-boggling run of 6,037 straight days in the zone as well. Visibly humbled by the overwhelming induction ceremony into the BZHOF, which recognizes the greatest ass antennas on Earth, Messier could barely get the words out.

“You know, growing up a small town boy in Alberta, Canada, never in a million years did I imagine I would be drowning in exotic supermodel ass” said the tractor-beam pants wearing Messier, "But now, years later, standing behind this bronzed penis microphone, I truly feel at peace with myself, with everything. Man, I've plowed some Grade A poon," he said, shaking his head and pausing for a moment. "Man."

The legendary taco-pulveriser harkened back to his days in Alberta when he first entered the bone zone as a scrappy 10-year old with a group of Molson Ice Party Girls in the back of their tour bus, to his red-light ringing swordsman days in Edmonton, to his years in New York with the Rangers, where he seemingly juggled supermodel pussy like a barrel chested, stick wielding Houdini.

A teary-eyed, reflective Messier.

Messier, who was originally scouted to be a goalie because of his natural lack of a five-hole, ended the event on a high note. “In closing, I just have to say this is an awesome honor. It's like at some point in my life, God came down and enveloped me in a cloak of primo tail and I’ve never looked back” said Messier, tears streaming down his face “For I am, King shit...of Fuck Mountain"

The crowd burst into a thunderous ovation as the visibly fatigued Mess was helped off-stage by a couple of swimsuit models. Right before disappearing into the darkness though, he turned and winked to the crowd, which immediately erupted into a giant orgy.

Canadian officials have confirmed that they are in fact erecting the "Le Coc Tower" in Montreal to honor Messier’s entry into the Hall.

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Desperate Gary Bettman streaks naked through Times Square

Embarrassing publicity stunt draws minimal media buzz

By: T.Ryan, A. Grady

A clueless Naked Cowboy, blissfully unaware of Commissioner Gary Bettman and the NHL.

Embattled NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was arrested today after tearing off all his clothes during a press conference and streaking naked through midtown Manhattan.

The marsupial-faced commissioner, who is uncannily in touch with the average NHL viewer, had just announced the move of the Montreal Canadians to El Paso, Texas, and was midway through explaining a new rule making sticks illegal for all defensemen, when he suddenly went wildcat and ripped off all his clothes, revealing a smeared message on his back and ass that appeared to say “NHL on Versus! Tonight!” Sources say Bettman, dying to get the NHL back on the map, then began frantically hopping around the room, imploring a group of unimpressed cameramen to follow him, before tearing ass out onto Sixth Avenue.

Desperate, distraught and fueled on Red Bull and three packs of Razzles, Bettman sped down 47th Street and through Time Square at an alarming speed, causing a massive wave of terror. Many tourists, presuming that he was an escaped mental patient with nothing to lose, began screaming and sought shelter in a nearby Sbarro’s and Virgin Megastore.

Despite being ditched at the last minute by three intern accomplices who would have spelled out N-H-L on their bare chests, Bettman kept chugging, making his way all the way down to 42nd street, where several rabid Canadian tourists began berating him outside an overcrowded, buzzing Yankees Clubhouse store.

Suffering from a severe case of shrinkage and sensing that his flesh-dash was losing steam, Bettman then stole a cell phone from a woman standing in line for “The Lion King” and called local sports radio station WFAN in one last pathetic attempt to get some attention. The call was short-lived though, as the woman alerted a giant police van conveniently filled with 25 officers in full riot gear, leading to an impressive two-sided spear tackle by the NYPD.

In the end, poorly applied body paint and a lack of strong vocal chords left Bettman’s naked stunt with much to desire, providing little media interest to the NHL, the sagging-boob of professional sports.

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Ticketmaster Operator Baffled by "NHL Ticket Request"

By: Hernia Staff

An exclusive look at what appears to be a seating chart for the NHL's Hurricanes.

A typical afternoon at the Ticketmaster offices turned strange on Tuesday when customer service rep Shanice Caldwell's 530th caller of the hour inquired about a possible Columbus Blue Jackets - Carolina Hurricanes ticket purchase.

"I had no idea what that fool was talking about," Caldwell said. "NHL? I ain't heard of no NHL.  I had to get my manager."

Caldwell's manager, Rick Sprinkwell, thought the ticket request was some sort of grade school prank.  "I'm actually really embarrassed about this whole thing," Sprinkwell said.  "When Shanice told me the situation, I'm pretty sure I picked up the phone and called the kid 'a little punk' and said that he'd have to 'get up pretty early in the morning to fool The Sprinkler.' But apparently, there actually are NHL teams in both Columbus and Carolina. I mean Carolina! Get out of here!"

Awkward to say the least, 13-year old caller Jimmy Sands was able to purchase the single ticket forty-five minutes later after Caldwell was able to dig into company archives and locate the Hurricanes seating chart.  Further complicating matters, an agreed upon price had to be negotiated between the two since there was no formal pricing for NHL tickets.

"I thought I had him at $10 but he was able to wiggle me down to $8," laughed Caldwell. "Hell, they should be giving those things away for free the way they're selling."

Not only was little Jimmy Sands able to get the ticket for $8, but he's going on the Blue Jackets' special "Sit In the Middle of the Rink for the Entire Game" night, replacing the previously unsuccessful "Season Ticket Giveaway" night.

When contacted about the news, spunky league commissioner Gary Bettman said he was 'pleased' with the 'small spike' in ticket sales and hopes the news will attract at least ten more new customers.

Notes: A similar problem happened two years ago to another Ticketmaster employee when a man tried to buy a Kansas City Wiz - Dallas Burn ticket for, get this, an organized soccer league known as 'the MLS'.

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