Tripucka Busted for Hairroids at Ultimate Body Hair Tournament

By: A. Grady, M. Noonan

LAS VEGAS, NV - Kelly Tripucka was escorted out of the Octagon at the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament Friday night for failing a harroid test, just moments before his chest hair was to fight against Danny Schaye's back hair.

Tripucka's hairroids scandal throws the Greece bracket of the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament into chaos.

The former NBA player and current New Jersey Nets TV commentator has been fighting hairroid allegations since his early days at Notre Dame and was practically the cover boy of the Hairroid Era in the mid-80s (famously peaking the night he was banned from playing the Los Angeles Lakers after state officials feared his chest hair would ignite in brushfire).

Speculation had cooled off since his retirement but broke out again when his chest hair attacked TV partner Ian Eagle in what seemed like a classic case of hairroid rage. "We were in the booth, just going through our routine," said Eagle, still shaken from the event. "And I mentioned something about Scott Pollard's new 'do. Next thing I know this monsoon of hair leaps from Kelly's shirt and strangles me. That's all I remember."

Tripucka defiantly entered the UBH Tournament, traditionally held in Greece, and was predictably named the top seed. But now with Tripucka out, the No. 1 seed falls to Jon Runyan and his smothering back hair.  It also opens the door to the feisty Sam Wise-Gamge's feet hair (a controversial UBH alternate).

Without a doubt, the tournament’s most intriguing participant is former UNC star Dante Calabria, whose basketball career veered tragically off course in 1995 after OD'ing on hairroids at a NBA pre-draft camp.  Calabria had injected himself in a bathroom minutes before taking the court, hoping to wow the scouts with his already impressive man-rug, but ended up scaring the bejeezus out of everyone when he fell to the floor and practically turned into a werewolf.  Embarrassed and blacklisted, Calabria fled the country and was last seen in Italy working as a human buffer for the MF1 Racing Team.

Here are the other seeds:

1. Jon Runyan – back hair, tricep hair

2. Carlos Boozer's - tightly wound chest hair

3. Dante Calabria – inner thigh hair

4. Rony Seikaly – exploding chest hair

5. Eugene Edgerson – head of hair

6. George the “Animal” Steel – salt & pepper back hair

7. Carl Weathers – greasy, matted chest hair

8. Earthquake – ass hair

9. Danny Schayes – unkempt back hair

10. Joe Torre – nose hair

11. Any member from Oakland A's 2006 lineup - deadly beards

12. Hillbilly Jim - beard is like the black hole

13. Peja Stojakovic - neck hair

14. Dan Majerle – stomach hair

15. Giant Gonzalez – painted pubes

16. Sam Wise Gamge – Feet hair