Ronaldo Hires Fitness Made Simple’s Basedow

A leaner, meaner Ronaldo courtesy of fitness extraordinaire Basedow.

By: A. Grady

MADRID, SPAIN - In an effort to quell the media storm surrounding his bulging waistline, Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo has hired world-renowned fitness celebrity John Basedow as his personal trainer as he prepares fot his upcoming season with Real Madrid.  Basedow, the futuristic cyborg sent back in time to kick-start the health sensation “Fitness Made Simple” and to generally creep the hell out of America, has agreed to take on Ronaldo, but only after seeing if he was serious about unlocking his potential (and willing to drink the blood of baby kittens).

Ronaldo explains his decision to train with American fitness guru Basedow.

Hernia sources say Ronaldo decided to jump on the American trainer bandwagon after seeing what they did for the German World Cup team and after being called a fat sack of shit by every single soccer fan and reporter on Earth this summer.  While vacationing in America, Ronaldo became intrigued with the infectious Fitness Made Simple jingle he heard on TV, singing it wherever he went.  Soon thereafter he found himself entranced by the charismatic and freakishly chiseled Basedow, whose head outweighs the entire rest of his body.  He personally called Basedow to request his services and within hours the two were headed to Real Madrid training facilities to get started.  Basedow has been attached at Ronaldo's hip ever since. 

While the early results look positive for Ronaldo, some Madrid officials are concerned about Basdow's refusal to wear a shirt during practices or even games, while others are just generally freaked out by his constant flexing and robot-swiveling head.